I have to go to my daughter’s middle school today to deliver the Weekly Forgotten Item. I am nervous. Not only are those 6th, 7th and 8th grade girls taller and more energetic than me, they’re far better built than I ever stood a chance to be. Come to think of it, when my daughter was still in elementary school, Fifth grade girls owned bigger bras than me. Fifth graders!
I began to realize my life was about over on what started out to be a typical fifth-grade-get-dressed-for-school-routine.
My daughter pulled one of her usual snits and sulked through the kitchen into the laundry room clad in her Scooby Doo robe. I always get territorial and nervous when family members start rummaging through my laundry room. (Think: messed up piles of neatly folded laundry — so what if it’s been sitting on top of the dryer since last Tuesday? — it’s neatly folded and clean.) She stomped out empty handed. “Can I help you?”
“Yeah!” She hissed exasperated, “I’m looking for a bra!”
Our of the corner of my eye I saw the newspaper, with my husband still attached to it, speed from the room. Speaking of chicken, an article I once read suggested hormone use at poultry farms might affect children’s growth. I must not have fed my daughter enough chicken. At age ten, thank God, her “bra” still consisted of what looked like a camisole. But it was a big deal to her and if she was ready to dress modestly under white shirts at age ten, I was ready to encourage the virtue.
Ever a Repeat Topic at the corner, the Bus Stop Mommies spend agonizing moments (in between jumping in front of speeding cars) trying to figure out why today’s girls are developing sooner and bigger than their mother’s generation. Not that we’re jealous or anything. Really. We’re not. I mean it.
The Bus Stop Mommies’ top ten guesses why girls develop sooner and bigger:
10. Hormones in beef, pork, and goats.
9. Hormones in chicken meat and eggs.
8. Hormones in milk, cheese, yogurt, sour cream, and low-carb icecream.
7. Fertilizers, pesticides, and who knows, maybe even hormones, in vegetables, fruits, and farm-raised fish.
6. An evil plot by plastic surgeons to compel mothers to get implants so their daughters aren’t bigger than them.
5. An evil plot by hair coloring companies to sell more hair color, aimed at parents whose hair turns gray every time they look at their daughter’s chest.
4. An evil plot by pharmaceutical companies to sell more Prozac, to overwrought parents of ten-year-old girls.
3. An evil plot by Bali, Playtex, and Maidenform to sell more bras.
2. God’s funny way of building Maternal Character.
1. Maternal Revenge Phenomenon #247.
When all else fails, blame it on Maternal Revenge Phenomena.
(Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at BusStopMommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. [Well, they leave the dogs at home.])
