Women think that they are making ideals of men. What they are making of us are false idols merely. You made your false idol of me, and I had not the courage to come down, show you my wounds, tell you my weaknesses. I was afraid that I might lose your love, as I have lost it now. — Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895
Ancient Gnosticism has some deliciously romantic elements. Such is the case with many heresies. Otherwise, why would intelligent people fall for such ideas? Gnosticism is an umbrella term for many nutty ideas in early Christianity. For example, an elect can have “secret knowledge” that, somehow, our Lord and Savior was less than truly divine and that we can become equal to Him! There were other salacious errors as well that I won’t mention here. However, the ancient heresy rooted in some murky, secret knowledge never fully went away; it morphed and raised its ugly head throughout history.
“Gnosis” is Greek for knowledge. Dia-gnosis (present knowledge) and the Latin suffix pro in prognosis (predictive knowledge) come from the Greek and Latin. In my work as a Catholic therapist, we “diagnose” a condition and provide a “prognosis” for treatment. In my work with young people, including catechumens and thousands of clients over the years, I’ve noticed what I will call “neo-Gnosticism,” for lack of a better term. The phenomenon is marked by murky spiritual idealism about one’s future, rather than reliance on solid Catholic orthopraxis rooted in doctrinal principles. This is observed in two particular areas: (1) conflict in matrimony and (2) discernment of vocations. This article will address matrimony; vocational discernment will be addressed in another article.
Conflict in Matrimony Generates Neo-Gnostic Beliefs
I’ve counseled probably hundreds of couples over the years, most of them Catholic. During extended, and severe, conflict, a few themes emerge pertaining to emotional immaturity, power and control struggles, and so on. When partners in sacramental matrimony experience such conflict, they naturally forget the religious nature of their sacrament. Many times, I hear “I married the wrong person” or “God doesn’t want me to be unhappy” or the neo-Gnostic whopper, “I must have a soulmate out there somewhere!” No…you don’t.
The idea of a soulmate is deliciously romantic. Watch one rom-com, and you’ll know the plot of essentially all of them. You might even notice they seem curiously similar to Shakespearian comedies. The formula works. As a sanguine myself, I certainly don’t want to throw a theological wet blanket on anyone’s yearning for love and romance. Rather, I’m referring to what happens in the heart of a married person who feels “stuck.”
The Formula for Lifelong Marriage
All households have certain priorities in common, whether sacramental, Protestant, or worldly. Physical safety is always the first priority, if there is domestic violence in the household. The second priority is harmony and stability, especially if children are present. The third priority, which actualizes the higher priorities, is mutual human connectedness and understanding. Couples need to forgive, exercise the Confirmational gift of fortitude to become a bit more vulnerable with each other, remember to reinforce extreme loyalty to the spouse regardless of behavior or feelings, learn each other’s specific emotional needs, and begin to validate and communicate with those needs in mind. This is a general formula, but it summarizes the ongoing work of rebuilding and sustaining a marriage.
Your soulmate became yours when you said “I do” to indicate the full consent of your will to become a co-minister of your own Sacrament of Holy Matrimony. The good news for Catholics is that this sacramental act of religion flows directly from the redemptive work of Jesus Christ on the Cross. The validity of sacramental marriage after the initial consent and vows has nothing to do with your feelings, your ongoing human participation, the person you chose to marry, your continued assent, your satisfaction with married life, or how you treat each other. Neo-Gnosticism in Catholic marriage occurs oftentimes when a spouse feels alone, abandoned, and experiences a deep, abiding, sorrowful loneliness while still retaining the infrastructure of married life. Rely on your Catholic faith! Pray for an increase in sacramental grace to help you endure the marriage.
Neo-Gnosticism in Catholic marriage is also the result of a certain mild form of co-dependency: The person relies too heavily on their merely human spouse for fulfillment and happiness, when the depth of these should come from the Holy Ghost. When a spouse, especially after years of married life, is unable (or unwilling) to meet wistfully romantic ideals, one or both partners might easily devolve into Gnostic thinking, wishing for a better life “out there somewhere.” It is completely natural to wish for an escape from pain.
The Catholic Approach
Remember that you are not alone. Our loving redeemer Himself, when confronted with the reality of taking on all sins past, present, and future, naturally recoiled at such an overwhelming weight. “My Father, if it be possible, let this chalice pass from me. Nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt” (Mt. 26:39). One Person, two natures: human and divine. His humanity was overwhelmed. Remember that God in His three Persons already did the loving work of creation, redemption, and sanctification. When feeling alone or unloved, God is the answer.
Therein lies our joy. You can pray through the grace of Catholic marriage even when you and your spouse are not getting along. Jesus Christ did the work already. Remember to think long-term, This sacrament is a hardship, but it will get me to heaven, and distract yourself from escapism and regret. Many Catholic spouses, although they are very busy, need an immersive hobby to add some pleasure to their lives. (The Catechism of the Council of Trent, in its section on marriage, exhorted husbands to engage in “some honest pursuit” to avoid idleness.)
The Sacrament of Confirmation and its associated spiritual gifts strengthen the Sacrament of Matrimony, but this requires your participation. Pray to actualize the Holy Ghost’s gifts of wisdom, fortitude, and understanding. Also remember that knowledge is a gift of the Holy Ghost. Knowledge correctly considered must be rooted in humility, whereas Gnosticism is rooted in ego and the sin of pride. Your needs as a married Catholic are legitimate and should be validated. There must also be a balance of spiritual surrender, forgiveness, and long-term thinking. The more one feeds anxious thoughts, the greater they grow. The answer to neo-Gnosticism is the Holy Ghost’s gift of fortitude to continue living with the initial consent of Holy Matrimony, relying on Christ as the Prince of Peace.
Photo by Bro Takes Photos on Unsplash
