Boxers or briefs. Guys, as usual, have it so easy. Not only do women have to choose between boxers and briefs (yes, gentlemen, there is the ladies' version of boxer shorts), we have to decide on low cut, high cut, bikini, hipster, body contouring, french cut, basic brief, boy cut brief, cotton, cotton blends, seamless, seamed, and that nasty invention that today's teenage girls deem necessary to share with us out the back of their blue jeans, the thong.
As if those aren't enough choices, we have to micro-manage our supply according to which type we wear for yard work, running, walking, white pants, blue jeans, low rise pants, waist huggers, tennis, Sundays, painting, fat days, thin days, clothes shopping, and that elusive date with our husbands.
Even the difference in packaging is a world apart. I opened a new seven pack (“Six Pair plus a Bonus 7th Brief!”) of Fruit of the Looms and would you believe they were all tucked neatly inside one another? I mean, two stacks of nestled briefs crammed into a 3 ½ by 5 plastic baggie. How did they do that? It was a No Binding Cotton explosion in my laundry room when I opened them for the prewash.
Guys don't worry about panty lines either. I was cruising the lingerie department at WalMart, waiting for my pictures to be developed, when a new product caught my eye: “Hanes Her Way 'in-visi'ble' Underwear that disappears under your clothes.” Where does it go? I was dying to know; so after a ten minute debate on colors, I tossed a Blush/Beige combo in the cart. They were a bit pricey, but I had to squeeze into my riding breeches the next day and I was desperate.
This ladies' two pack was the same price as the seven pack of guys' FOTL's, with three times the amount of cardboard and hype. Fifteen flaps, tabs, slots and folds later, I opened the package and freed the panties, only to reveal intricate written and diagrammed packing instructions.
Was I supposed to refold and store my Invisible panties in the original package? Would they become Visible if I didn't? Would some government warranty be voided if I just threw them in my top drawer with the ordinary line-making panties?
In complete fascination, I stared — and I am not making this up — at steps A through G. I saved the package in case you don't believe me. I can barely believe it myself and yet I quote:
(A) Lay first garment face down on a table. Lay second garment face down on top of first, 1 ½ inches higher. Place unfolded package on top of garments with insert panel top edge even with top of second garment as shown. (B1) Fold bottoms of garments up. (B2) Tuck ends of garments under. (C) Fold right sides over. (D1) Fold left sides over. (D2) Pop up center flap. (E1) Fold garments and panel up. (E2) Place center flap over garments. (F) Fold left side flap over garments and (G) insert tab into back slot. Adjust garments as needed for proper display.
What I do know is that this was no ordinary underpaid immigrant or 8-year-old Chinese kid packing this underwear. The package says it was assembled in Honduras, yet the folding instructions were written only in English. Anyone wanna lay bets on where all the former Enron employees have gone?
Karen Rinehart is a magazine humor columnist, public speaker and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies, a newspaper. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
