For nearly twenty years, we have worked with wounded spouses who seek a rationale for continuing in marriage. These are the husbands and wives who have lost each other. These are the men and women who have come to view marriage as a sentence while yearning for divorce as a perceived reprieve.
These are the parents who age their children into confidants and buddies as they ache for someone with whom they can commiserate. The old yarn about women talking too much and men empathizing too little is often borne out in daily relationships. Yet, in the experience of our marriage recovery programs, there is far more to the uncoupling.
Divorce does not become a spousal aspiration overnight. Estrangement slithers into marital covenants inch by inch. Regardless of the individual's faith, or lack thereof, alienation in every relationship begins with small things wrapped in layers of self. Over days or years, as the honeymoon period of self-surrender fades, the spouses may become selfish and lazy about showing love. Love gradually ceases to be a free choice and becomes a burdensome chore. Resentment seeps into the fabric of daily life until every conversation is stained. This transmutation from love to hate to tepidity plays out not in the reality of the soul, but rather in the mercurial and deceptive realm of emotions.
Only one insurance policy indemnifies against divorce. It is issued through the Trinitarian powerhouse of Faith, Hope and Charity which alone can unify the physical and spiritual dimensions of two souls that have grown apart. In two decades of marriage recovery work, we have never seen a couple of any faith heal from their disconnect without the fruits of each of these vibrant virtues.
Faith speaks to that fidelity, reliance, and allegiance extending far beyond “self” precisely because it is born of God's immense creation. The elevated perspective we are given by faith fortifies us to speak the truth in love. A respecter of human freedom, faith never lectures, beleaguers, dominates, or abuses. In the image of Revelation 3:20, faith beckons; it never coerces. Both physically and spiritually, faith arouses and invites. Far from nursing resentment, faith welcomes a prompt dialogue rooted in truth. “Maybe I'm off base, but it seems you've been avoiding me lately. If I've hurt you without realizing it, I'm sorry. Can I give you my undivided over a cup of coffee? Name the time and place!”
Hope articulates a vocabulary of confidence, endurance and expectancy. Solidly rooted in authenticity, hope never diminishes the reality of suffering or the ache of rejection. Rather, it works through anguish to see beyond the unforgiving moment. Hope focuses on the promise and dignity of a soul transcending self. Never limiting itself to human autonomy or control, hope renews itself in that interior place where God paints eternal images of love and redemption. In its practical application, hope's language bolsters faith's forthright dialogue. “Since I'm feeling so rejected, there's a part of me that wants to scream at you in desperation. Yet, there's another part where I know you'd never hurt me intentionally. Not today, but maybe tomorrow, when I've regained some perspective, can we talk about this? I love you even when I need to withdraw for a bit.”
Charity proclaims so much more than mere physical love; it can't be compared to mere tolerant affection. It knows no superiority. Charity expresses a bountiful tenderness that spills over in magnanimity, mercy, grace and service. Its words are punctuated with the grace of humility. Above all other virtues, charity defines and illuminates the meaning of self-gift. Never judgmental, and ever searching for the language of the other, charity seeks to fulfill the Pauline counsel to “become” the other. Charity broadcasts its willingness to give and minister most especially when wounded. “I'm trying to understand how I've let you down as I clearly have. Even though my failure was not intentional, and even though I'm searching to understand how I've hurt you, I'm asking for your forgiveness and mercy now. Please tell me how I can draw close to you again.”
All three of these virtues come together in a beautiful Hebrew word, chesed, which roughly translates into a sense of “steadfast love.” A steadfast love neither dwells on personal injury nor focuses on self-gratification. As one of our recovery clients so beautifully expressed: “Suddenly, I was alone with my spouse in a new and creative moment. A moment earlier I had been repulsed by the same old mannerisms. In a split-second prayer for humility, I was suddenly blessed with the fullness of love that radiated from my spouse just for me. Clothes did not matter. Speech did not matter. Social grace did not matter. For some reason this person loved me just as I was, and in that blessed acceptance, I was able to become more of who I was meant to be.”
Just as divorce does not hurry to invade a covenantal relationship, neither can renewal be expedited. Yet the truth must be faced. The language of divorce breeds its own fulfillment. If you are caught in that vocabulary, you need to seek outside help while there is still time. The spouse who seeks chesed may need a variety of practical hints and spiritual guidelines to protect his or her marriage against divorce. Above all, the healing process requires a surrender to God’s will and God’s time through the total the gift of self. Let God, faith and reason direct your path and indemnify your marriage against the final stagnation of divorce.
© Copyright 2003 Catholic Exchange
As an author and attorney having spent nearly two decades in trial litigation, Mary Meade directs the Marriage and Family Recovery Programs, Inc., for wounded marriages, troubled teens, workplace disputes, and recovering clergy. For further information, log on to www.marriagerecovery.com. Mrs. Meade is also the Director of the Natural Law Study Center in the Diocese of Arlington.
