Surely it’s not because they watch too much television. And it can’t be because we have the number to QVC programmed on Speed Dial. No, it’s because they take after their fabulous mother with her brilliant brain capacity and flair for jingles. That’s how I choose to explain why my kids can quote verbatim every Infomercial every aired on television but can’t remember their homework.
In my on-going effort to communicate effectively with my children, I’ve developed a language they’ll understand: The Bus Stop Mommies Infomercial Language (BSMIL). Note: Increase Parental Volume while speaking BSMIL, then resume normal tones for further discussions.
“Hey Kids! Does the thought of a hot meal for dinner tonight sound appealing? What about eating right now? Yes now! The good folks here at Bus Stop Mommy Central have authorized me to offer you the chance of a lifetime! For the low, low, introductory price of not bickering with your sister the minute you wake in the morning, you’ll get to have breakfast. That’s right — Store bought Sugarbomb Cereal!
“Plus, if you can locate clean clothes to wear to school without digging an item from the bottom of the folded clothes pile perched precariously on the dining room table, you can even have milk in your cereal! If you agree to these terms before Midnight tonight, we’ll throw in the bowl and spoon at absolutely no extra charge to you!
“But wait, that’s not all! How would you like to get on the bus this morning, in front of all your friends, without your mom giving you one of those embarrassing loud kisses? Sound too good to be true? Not anymore! All you have to do is brush your teeth and make your bed without being asked. Simply put your cereal bowl in the dishwasher instead of under the couch and you’ll be amazed at your mother’s reaction. We guarantee she’ll stand at least five feet away from you or we’ll come brush your teeth for you.
“But don’t take our word for it! Listen to just one of our satisfied customers, Miss Lay Z. Bones from Tampa, Florida: ‘Like, Ohmygawd! This totally works! The old hags at Bus Stop Mommy Central were right! Like, all I did was stop leaving my sandwich crusts on my bathroom floor and my mom came out of the corner, stopped whimpering, and fixed dinner!’
“As with all spectacular, hard to believe bargains from Bus Stop Mommy Central, you can accept our offers in confidence, with our no hassle, satisfaction guarantee*. Simply send back your food, designer hoodie sweatshirts, CDs, soccer cleats, cell phones, I-Pods, cars, computer passwords, braces, lunch money, clean underwear, warm bed, pillow, and roof over your head.
*Minus Shipping and Handling. Costs are calculated based on hospital bills from your delivery and orthodontia subtotals.
Karen Rinehart is a newspaper humor columnist, public speaker, and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
