It’s not the Christmas season until Santa rides down the snow covered hill on the Norelco razor.
At least that’s how it was when I was growing up. Now I’m afraid my kids think it’s Christmas in August. That’s when the stores start hawking the tinsel and cashmere.
Back in September, I went to Lowes for gardening supplies only to find the shelves stripped bare with strange little inventory tags taped about. They can’t be serious. This can’t be happening. Then I spotted it. The first gleam of glitter reflecting off the halogen light fixtures. A lone ornament sat anxiously waiting for hundreds of its comrades to join it. The rotating sprinkler heads were replaced by rotating reindeer heads.
Something’s just plain wrong when you can’t buy a swimsuit in June because space had to be cleared for the leather coats. Pretty soon we’ll be buying Easter candy at Halloween and Halloween candy in March. The Easter bunny will need therapy. The Leprechauns will have to trade in their little green spring jackets for winter parkas.
What would happen if housewives ran homes on a retailer’s schedule?
“Hey Mom, I need a poster board tomorrow morning for my school project.”
“I’m sorry dear; the Mother’s Union Bylaws won’t allow me to purchase poster board after the official start of the school year. You’ll have to wait until next summer … or go see Tommy’s mommy. She’s a line crosser.”
“Hello Mrs. Rinehart, would you like to buy popcorn to support my Cub Scout Troop?”
“No can do Adam. My microwave only accepts popcorn packets April, May, and June.”
“Hi honey, I’m home. What a rough day at the office. What’s for dinner?”
“Sorry, dinner was at 2:30. The kids missed it too. Let’s go out.”
Last year, I was a little behind in getting the holiday boxes down from the attic. When my kids painted fireplace matches watercolor pink and purple and stuck them in a fruitcake, I decided it was time to buy candles for the Advent wreath.
I found a store that still had Christmas decorations in stock but not candles. I asked a clerk for help. “Advent candles? For the love of the Irish, Lady, this is the first week of December!”
“I know, but Advent just started yesterday. That’s three and a half more weeks of candle burning. Will you be getting any more?”
“I doubt it. We’ve got to make room for the 4th of July crafts. Could you use red, white, and blue candles?”
I was seeing the better part of red, white, and blue when I drove past a shopping center last October and saw workmen putting up Christmas wreaths and bows. I almost ran my car into one of the freshly garlanded light poles. Purely by accident, mind you.
I pulled in next to the Chinese Restaurant with the Menorah in the window. “Hey Mr. Workman! Aren’t you guys putting those up a little early this year?”
“Are you kidding me?” He shouted back. “We’re behind schedule. We were supposed to have these up last month but were swamped with working on the St. Patrick’s Day parade.”
Maybe those matchsticks aren’t so bad after all.
Karen Rinehart is a newspaper humor columnist, public speaker, and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
