Advent – what with the coming holidays of glory and family and joy and warmth – this year is taking a toll on me like it never has. I sit here, right now, while you sleep, and instead of resting, I am so sad I could just die.
(Have to edit every few wors – not seeing or typing too well – bear wih any stumbles I don’t catch . . . okay?)
I am the afterthought after everyone else exhausts their afterthoughts. (Sole exception is my housemate, but his family is but reminder of the flaws and sillines of my own family, in memories. I just can’t bear to go with him to his family’s celebrations every time he’d like. Plus they clearly make presumptions about our ‘relationship’ that are not true, even as maybe he even fantaszies they are.)
It has been this way for several years now, and I thought I had gotten sort of used to it. It has been a very sad life, a pretty lonely life, and even as I have no one to share Chrsitmas stories with from my youth, as one story here suggests – I really haven’t many stories, any way, after all. So, I can’t much dwell in memories, as some might. Memories of my late wife just crush me, to the deepest part of my heart – reminders of loss more than the joy with her, for having no one to tell about her child-like wonder at the season.
So I reach out here, to you. When you tell your kids your stories, remind them to make wondrous stories of their own, many with you, eventually with their own home team. Tell tem to love so much that no one could bear not to be with them. I really gotta figure I don’t know eneough about love and giving as others need and all, and who wants just some old poop, huh?
That Christmas novena – my wife would have loved it and only been sorry that every novena has but one intention to request – I ahve tried long to think what to ask for.
If God wouldn’t mind I want to ask to go Home. So, just pray for God’s will for me and use your prayer to give your own thoughts about my intention His attention. I am not suicidal – I believe suicide is a dreadful and complete cowardice, and I am no coward. And, how could I leave anyone anywhere with that to haunt their mmeories, ebven if they never much cared, anyway. And, you folks would be shocked and hurt rather than ‘understanding’. I know better – one dies only at God’s will, not his own.
My heart is so broken, physically and psychically and emotinlly and truly spititually – I just want to go Home and let God fix me with His love. For years now, He is all I have left, and I just want to be with Him.
I remain your obedient servant, but God’s first,
Pristinus Sapienter
or, you can call me Warren L. Jewell, my life-long name – God might recognize it better.
