Louise had been in the hospital. Now she was recuperating at home, a time when it is easy to be forgotten. My wife phoned her and said, “Let’s have tea. It will only take fifteen or twenty minutes from your day. All you need to provide is a tea kettle where I can boil some water. I’ll bring everything else.” And they set a time.
Not to Be Abandoned
My wife packed a basket with a teapot, teacups, tea bags, sweetener, cookies and napkins. When we arrived at the appointed time, Louise's husband Jim answered the door. He already had a filled teapot whistling merrily on the stove. Louise was well enough to join us at the kitchen table, and conversation flowed easily as we unpacked the basket and set the table for our simple tea. It seemed more like a celebration than a sick call. Soon Louise began to tire, but she remembered we had said we would only stay fifteen or twenty minutes. We wiped the teacups dry with the paper towels we had brought, and repacked the basket. We joined hands for a brief prayer for Louise's continued healing, and after hugs we left. But not before Louise had thanked us saying, “You will never know how much this time has meant to me.”
We all know we should do it. So why do we make excuses instead of visiting a friend who is sick? If you have ever felt this way, you are not alone. If the number one fear of Americans is public speaking, then fear of speaking to a sick or grieving friend must be a close second.
In preparing for this article I stopped by a large bookstore. I explained that I was writing an article on visiting friends who were sick and asked if the store had any books that might help me in my research. “No,” replied the head of the book department, “but let me check the computer to be sure.” After a brief search she confirmed that there was not a single book available. “But there needs to be,” she blurted out. I was shocked by the intensity of her response. “My brother has been sick,” she explained, “and his friends did not come to be with him. He died two weeks ago.” The pain of her brother’s death was still very real. But a hurt that was almost as deep was that his friends had abandoned him in the hour of his need.
Rabbi Harold Kushner wrote, “At some of the darkest moments of my life, some people I thought of as friends deserted me — some because they cared about me and it hurt them to see me in pain; others because I reminded them of their own vulnerability, and that was more than they could handle. But real friends overcame their discomfort, and came to sit with me. If they had no words to make me feel better, they sat in silence (much better than saying, 'You’ll get over it', or 'It’s not so bad; others have it worse') and I loved them for it.”
What should you do if you find that some subconscious feelings hinder you from visiting an ailing friend? The good news is that you don’t need years of psychotherapy. This is the garden variety kind of problem that is often best cured by the Dr. Phil approach. He would likely tell you that you don’t need to understand the roots of your problem. Just do it. Turn off the television and go visit.
You can invite God to be with you. Stop and breathe a prayer. Father Mychal Judge, the New York City Fire Department chaplain who died at Ground Zero September 11, 2001 would pray, “Lord, take me where you want me to go. Let me meet whom you want me to meet. Help me to say what you want me to say, and keep me from getting in your way.”
When you learn a friend is sick it is always good to send a card or a brief note. In almost every hospital room that I have visited I have found cards and letters displayed proudly. A telephone call is another form of personal contact. If you get an answering machine, leave a message. My wife had a friend with MS. She would call Cindy for a few minutes each day. When Cindy became too weak to answer the telephone she could still listen as the message went onto the answering machine. My wife would leave an encouraging word, an inspirational thought, or a Bible verse reminding her friend that she was still loved and not forgotten.
Being There Is What Counts
But unless there are legitimate reasons (such as no visitors allowed, or you are sick with a cold) a personal visit is best. “When it comes to caring, having strong — even agonizing — emotions mean little,” according to my friend Dr. James Kok, director of pastoral care at the Crystal Cathedral in Garden Grove, California. He has taught thousands of volunteers that 90% of helping is just showing up. We bring hope when we visit a sick friend, and medical science has discovered that hope is a vital part of healing. We let them know they are not forgotten, and that people do care. We keep them in touch with what is happening outside the four walls of their sick room, and give them a sense of belonging.
Remember you are visiting a friend. Put your visit in that context. Do you sit at your desk at work and wonder “If I see my friend at the water cooler, what will I say?” If you are going to do lunch do you think “Whatever will I have to talk about?” Your friendship is not drastically changed because one of you is sick. Be natural. Talk about the things you normally talk about.
Remember that you are there as a friend, not as an authority on medicine, psychiatry, or religion. You don’t have to have the answers, especially to questions like, “Why me?” or the problems of pain and suffering in the world. You can say, “I don’t know what you are going through, but I’m willing to listen to anything you have to say.” If your friend wants to talk about such deep and troubling questions, they need you to listen, not to provide easy answers, and especially not to lecture them on moral and spiritual values. A good response is to ask, “What do you make of it?” Remember God doesn’t need you to defend Him.
And it’s natural to feel anger when your life is disrupted by illness, especially a hospital stay. Letting a person express their anger is often the best way to help them move beyond it. Sometimes I say, “So far God hasn’t given me the answers to all my 'Why?' questions. He seems to give me more guidance when I ask, 'What should I do now?'”
Don’t be afraid to sit in silence. Frank confided in me that the hardest thing for him when he was in the hospital was being expected to keep up a conversation. Bonnie interrupted Frank and said it was more difficult to endure a loquacious visitor who never stopped talking. Just being there, ready to listen if they prefer, but showing your caring with your presence is often what is needed.
Recently the father of a friend of Linnea, my six-year-old granddaughter, was killed. How do you comfort a six-year-old? While the grownups were debating the question, one of them noticed that Linnea had gone to her friend and hugged her. Then the two little girls stood there, hugging each other and crying together. It was exactly what the child needed in her grief. No words…just being there.
Ten Tips for a Good Visit
Remember the whole idea is to spend some warm, quality time with a friend. Most of these tips apply both to a visit in the home or the hospital.
1. Call first if possible. That is just plain etiquette. Your friend will appreciate your finding a convenient time to visit. Some times a patient has had too many visitors, has gone through painful treatments, or just needs to nap. If the person is sick at home and being cared for by a spouse, knowing when you are coming may give the caregiver a chance to run errands or plan for some personal time alone. At least it will give them a chance to tidy up the room.
2. Wash your hands. Don’t just rinse. Really scrub them. Do this before and after a visit. It’s the right thing for you and your friend.
3. A good friend always knocks before entering a room, whether it is at home or in the hospital. Both you and your friend may be embarrassed if you walk into the middle of a bath or a medical procedure. A sick person already has had their usual sense of privacy compromised. Don’t make it worse. Give them a sense of control by stopping at the door, calling their name, giving yours, and asking if it is O.K. to come in.
4. Don’t let the television set ruin a nice visit. A sick person often has the television on constantly and may not even think about turning it down. Ask, “Are you watching a favorite program?” Usually a person will respond by saying, “No, just turn it off.” Or use a more direct approach and say, “May I turn the TV off for a few minutes while we visit?” When you leave, be sure to offer to turn it back on again.
5. Be cheerful. Especially if your friend is seriously ill. The most important result of your visit may be to raise their spirits and give them hope. Don’t be the bearer of bad news. Try to restrict your conversation to topics that will make your friend feel better. A sense of humor can often put things in perspective. Medical research is continually learning more about the healing power of humor.
6. Have a normal conversation, friend to friend. Talk about the things you would talk about in your usual setting. And don’t get so carried away by nerves or a desire to entertain that you fail to let your friend talk as well. The most important rule is this: Remember it’s not about you. Be ready to listen as well as talk.
7. Don’t give the impression you are prying into their medical condition. But if your friend who is sick wants to talk about their illness be willing to listen. This is the most important concern to them at this time. Especially when a person is not feeling well, it is important for them to have a feeling that they are heard. But don’t become a substitute physician. This is not the time to show off your knowledge about their medical condition, or tell them about the new treatment your brother John had. Especially don’t talk about the people who have died from this surgery or illness.
8. Don’t argue. This is not the time to set your friend straight or to convince them to see things your way. And don't get trapped into playing “Ain't it awful.” It is easy to devote an entire visit to talking about the awful hospital food, awful nursing care, awful noise, and awful health insurance and leave the patient feeling worse than when you came in.
9. Keep the visit short. Julia told me, “I loved visiting with my friends, but it wasn’t until after they left that I realized how much it took out of me.” Under normal circumstances ten to fifteen minutes is long enough.
10. Offer to pray. Of all the events in a person’s life, illness is one when it is natural to pray. But don’t force a person who is uncomfortable to pray with you. Ask, “Would you like me to pray? Is there something you would like me to pray about?”
Jim Kemp, who is chronically ill, offers wisdom for us all, “Remember God is with you both, so don't be afraid. Just visit someone.”
The Rev. Dr. William D. Webber is the author of A Rustle of Angels and How to Become a Sweet Old Lady Instead of a Grumpy Old Grouch (both from Zondervan). He has been an American Baptist pastor for 40 years.
This article originally appeared on Beliefnet.com. and is used with permission.
