The paper called it, “News You Can Use.” Well I have news for them — their “Holiday Gift Guide” is useless to this harried, broken-budgeted, swallowed-up-by-an-overly-materialistic-world woman.
Winner of the Bus Stop Mommies You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me Award: IZ Interactive Animatronic Music Maker ($39.99): “This battery-powered guy is 11-inches-tall and plays rhythms and melodies while his eyes bounce and his horn lights up in time to the beat. Plug him into your iPod or other music source and he’ll play your tunes. He even talks. Ages 5 and up.”
This is equivalent to Christmas 1972 when the childless aunt buys her 6-year-old nephew, the oldest of three, a drum set. The only advantage of the drum set? It didn’t need batteries.
My friend Tina has four kids under the age of 10. You think she needs: (A) Anything else requiring batteries? (B) More bouncing eyeballs? (C) Horn noises, whether electronically or naturally produced? (D) Another excuse to say “No” to a $250 iPod? or (E) Another lifeform in her house that talks, moves, and rolls its eyes?
She’d be better off with the Speed Detector ($39.95), but instead of using it to “find out how fast you can ride your bike or throw a baseball,” her kids will use it on her to see how fast she runs when they yell, “Mommy, Mary barfed again!”
Below the Speed Detector, a large bubble-headed doll stands with one arm holding her cellphone flipped open in the air. She dons headphones (presumably attached to a $250 iPod) over top her long flowing platinum blond hair, highlighted with two bold, wide streaks in a shade of orange not-found-in-nature. Her over-tweezed brows and two-inch eyelashes are painted on with a heavy hand, but not nearly as heavy as her silicone-injected permanently-pouty lips, coated in a high gloss shade of Brazen Blazin’ Red.
So this is the image we’re shoving under the tree and bedcovers of our little-young-enough-to-still-play-with-dolls girls? Ironically, the paper ran the picture of the wrong doll next to the description of the Groovy Girls ($9.99 each): “These 13-inch plush dolls, a diverse group, are award winners who wear hip clothes while still looking like kids. Gwen, O’Ryan, Natalya, Leticia, Oki and their friends have plenty of clothes and accessories and a few Groovy Boy pals too. Ages 6 and up.” The correct photo ran the next day — truly fitting their description and definitely worthy of sharing the bedcovers.
In the Ages 4 and Up category, we find, What’s In Ned’s Head? ($19.99): “In this wacky, award-winning game, players draw cards and then reach into Ned’s head to find each of the gross objects pictured (on the cards). Thankfully, Ned’s lab rat, slimy alien, and fried egg are all made of plastic.”
Oh, just give Ned a day in my house. That’ll change.
Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at BusStopMommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dogs at home.)
