“Sometimes Josh gets so angry when I ask him to do something for me or try to correct him. He's always sorry for it afterward, but I want it to stop and talking about it just isn't working.”
Not wanting to re-invent the wheel, I asked Miriam what other things she had tried with Josh.
“Oh, the usual stuff. I've yelled, taken away privileges, threatened, tried to talk him through it. I'm getting pretty desperate.”
I asked about time-outs.
“Y'know, I've used them, but they never worked for me.”
I hear this often in my counseling practice. While the “time-out” is a much-prescribed parenting technique, they have a reputation among some parents for being ineffective. While they cannot solve every parenting problem, time-outs are actually a very effective tool. Used properly, they can be a fabulous front-line technique for changing a host of behavior problems, especially emotional control issues; the kind Miriam was describing.
The biggest mistake made by most parents when using time-outs is to think of them as a punishment. They are not. A punishment is something that either causes pain, or makes someone else so uncomfortable that he or she does not wish to commit the behavior again out of fear of the punishment.
The Interview
At the end of the time-out, Miriam was to interview Josh about his thoughts for solving the problem. If he hadn't given it any thought at all, she should send him back to time-out for another seven minutes. However, if he seemed to be making a sincere effort, even if he didn't have answers for all the questions I outlined above, she could move to the interview.
During the interview, it was Miriam's job to: a) find out what Josh's intention was behind the offensive behavior (e.g., getting his sister to listen); and b) look for opportunities to teach Josh more appropriate, effective, and respectful ways meet those intentions.
To accomplish these ends, Miriam needs to first listen to Josh's own ideas and then to ask him what she could do to help him remember the new ideas next time (for example, a signal of some kind, or simply reminding him about their deal).
Finally, if she felt it was appropriate, Miriam could choose to have the two of them role-play a situation in the future where Josh experiences a similar problem and then chooses to use his new plan. This practice helps make Miriam's expectations for Josh's actions, responses and tones-of-voice abundantly clear so that there is no confusion the next time.
With a little guidance, Miriam was soon well on the way to solving Josh's behavior problem. All it took was insisting that they work together to find more respectful ways to get his needs met. And that's what good parenting, and good discipline, is all about.
Teaching Better Behavior
Time-outs do not inspire this kind of fear, nor are they meant to. Rather, time-outs are good discipline. That is, their primary focus is teaching better behavior. Used correctly, they not only separate a child from a problem situation, but they also help the child come up with a more respectful alternative to the problem behavior.
A well-meaning (though misguided) parent may send a misbehaving child to his room, a chair, or a time-out corner, and then expect that intervention alone to do the trick. But separation is really only one part of a proper time-out. The most important part of a time-out is what happens after you get the child away from the problem.
I told Miriam that I wanted her to try something the next time Josh demonstrated an angry outburst. First, she should send him to his time-out place for the requisite seven minutes (one minute per year of age is the rule of thumb) but he should also be given the assignment that by the end of the time-out, he should be able to explain, in detail, how he should have spoken differently, how he should have acted differently, and what he will do next time to make sure that he chooses this more appropriate course of action.
Six Key Time-Out Tips
1. Remove the child from the situation.
Do not send the child to his room or any other play area. Send him to a safe place where there are no distractions (the stairs, a corner, the bathroom, etc.). Give the child the assignment of thinking about what he needs to do differently (insist that he be as specific as possible) and how he will make sure they do that thing the next time.
2. Don't start the time-out until the child is calm.
The time-out does not start until the child is quiet. If it takes a five year-old sitting in a chair for 15 minutes before he is quiet, then so be it. The time-out starts the second the tantrumming stops.
3. Use a timer.
Once the child is calm, set a timer (one minute per year of age). When the timer dings, it is time to come out. This stops those “Can I come out now?” questions.
4. Don't hover.
Don't stand over the child responding to every huff and puff. And for heaven's sake, don't engage in protracted arguments through the door or from another room. Let your child fume all she wants. Just remind her (once) that the time-out doesn't start until she is quiet and that you expect her to have answers to your questions when the time is finally up. Then go away, take a breath, and get yourself in a better place so that the interview can go well.
5. The interview.
Once the time-out is finally over, have the child explain the intention behind the bad behavior and ask about more appropriate ways to meet this intention in the future. Offer your own ideas. Finally, rehearse the new plan to make sure the child understands exactly what you expect.
6. Heal the relationship.
After the interview, spend a minute telling the child that you love him and that you are proud of him for sticking with you through the problem.
If the Child Refuses to Go
Even if you follow all of the tips mentioned above, there is still one more important question to address when it comes to effectively applying this technique: What do you do if your child refuses to go to (or stay in) time-out?
Well, first of all you have to remember that you are at least three times bigger than your child and at least three times smarter (God willing). If you keep your wits about you, the odds are decidedly in your favor. After that, consider the following tips:
• Think — When you are really serious about getting your child to comply with any request (and your child actually listens), what do you do? What is “the look” you use? The tone of voice? What gentle but firm actions do you take that let the child know that, even though you love him, you will not be trifled with? Do those things now to make the time-out happen.
• Make it happen — If your child continues to be non-compliant with time-out despite your best efforts, you will simply have to make it happen. Gently take the child and hold him as still as possible, arms and feet (Gentle and calm are the watchwords here). This will probably escalate the child's anger at first. Remain calm. Repeat, over and over, that as soon as the child agrees to go to time-out on his own, you will let him go. Until then, he will have to be held. Within the next few minutes, your child will choose, on his own, to go to time out (I promise). Then, when he is quiet, start the timer.
It may take two or three times of repeating this (most parents report good compliance by at least the third incident) before the child gets the message, but once the child knows you are absolutely serious about making time-outs happen, he will comply.
Time-outs are an extremely effective parenting technique when used well and wisely. By using the methods outlined in this article, you will increase their effectiveness, as well as the incidence of good behavior in your children, without having to pull all your hair out.
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Mr. Popcak, a marriage and family counselor in private practice, is the author of The Exceptional Seven Percent: Nine Secrets of the World's Happiest Couples and For Better…Forever! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage. He is also the director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization providing telephone counseling and referrals to Catholic individuals, couples and families. He can be reached at (740) 266-6461 or www.exceptionalmarriages.com
