Although there is no specific church teaching regarding your particular circumstance, this issue touches upon what we believe about the sacramentality of Christian marriage and how we are to live out what we believe. I am sure this invitation by your wife’s cousin presents a touchy situation for you, but regardless of that, it would be better to spend the night in a hotel because you must know that what we are speaking about here is the sin of fornication — the carnal union between an unmarried man and an unmarried woman. It is the teaching of the Catholic Church that fornication is “gravely contrary to the dignity of persons and of human sexuality, which is naturally ordered to the good of spouses and the generation and education of children. Moreover, it is a grave scandal when there is corruption of the young” (CCC# 2353).
By staying overnight in the home of this couple, you and your wife run the risk of being guilty of the sin of scandal — an attitude or behavior that leads another to do evil. “Scandal is a grave offense if, by deed or omission, another is deliberately led into a grave offense” (CCC# 2284). You see, in spending the night, you would essentially be saying by your action that it is okay for a man and woman to live together and share sexual intimacy without being married. But it is not okay. And even if they do not believe they are offending God or do not care, you know that it is a very serious sin.
Visiting them, without staying overnight, might be something you could do in charity, but if you have children, you would need to be very careful, as it could lead to much confusion for them. Young people become immediately interested and curious when they see adults allowed to do something which their parents tell them is wrong for them to do.
The gift of sexuality was given by God to be shared only within the sacrament of marriage. When marriage is not possible for a man and woman, then the passions must be controlled. And some would be surprised to learn that even within marriage the passions must also be controlled. In other words, just because two people are married does not mean that one can force the other to have sex whenever they wish. This is the moral virtue of chastity — all Christians are called to imitate the purity of Christ who always conformed His will to that of the Father. Whether he realizes it or not, when a person decides to live with someone he or she is not married to, that person is in essence choosing a human creature ahead of God. It is like saying, “I want what I want and I cannot say no to myself.” What they are doing is wrong, and it will always have grave consequences.
Why is it that it is often more difficult to make moral decisions like this one when it involves our family or closest friends? In a situation such as the one you describe, the concern is sometimes that we might offend someone by making it clear how we feel about certain actions, especially those that go against our religious beliefs. We are so afraid that we might make a couple feel badly or uncomfortable if we announce to them that we cannot stay in their home because of their public decision to do something that we believe to be an offense towards God. Do we consider that perhaps if that happened, it might be a good thing? After all, living in sin should not feel comfortable!
We show the most love for people when we do everything possible to help them on their journey towards heaven. One can do nothing better for someone than that. Remember, however, that it must always be done with kindness and charity, keeping in mind that we are all sinners in need of having someone help us on our way also. What we are judging is not the person, but the sin. It is perfectly legitimate and right that we stand up for what we know to be God’s ways. Jesus never failed to do so. Yes, He walked among sinners every day, but always with the intention of helping them get to heaven. That was love.
© Copyright 2002 Grace D. MacKinnon
Grace MacKinnon is a syndicated columnist and public speaker on Catholic doctrine. Readers are welcome to submit questions about the Catholic faith to: Grace MacKinnon, 1234 Russell Drive #103, Brownsville, Texas 78520. Questions also may be sent by e-mail to: [email protected]. You may visit Grace online at www.DearGrace.com.
