We all want the happily-ever-after fairy tale. But this is the real world, where all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. What does that mean for families?
It means sometimes a parent or a child stumbles and breaks others' hearts. Foundations of a marriage and a family can be shattered beyond what seems repairable. When that happens, once the dust of the crumbled concrete called “relationships” settles, we look around and ask, “What happened?”
“How can I take this or get through it?”
“What do I do next?”
“How will this affect the children?”
Hearts can be broken with a world of hurt when foundations crack. It happens to all kinds of families, including Christian, church-going couples. Our first hope, if the situation doesn't include physical abuse, is that the couple can find a way to gather the foundation's dust, clean the remnants of sin and distrust from them, and rebuild that foundation. Love is a decision, and marriage is a covenant. The process includes regret, apology, forgiveness — all played out during emotions ranging from seething anger to wrenching agony. Each hour, moment, and day can begin with a new emotion in that range while healing and coping take place.
Sometimes the walls have to crack so we can see the problem with the foundation and fix it.
So will I break down the wall that ye have daubed with untempered mortar, and bring it down to the ground, so that the foundation thereof shall be discovered, and it shall fall, and ye shall be consumed in the midst thereof: and ye shall know that I am the LORD” (Ez 13:14).
The best thing Richard and I ever did for our marriage was to go on an encounter weekend 6 years ago. For two days, we faced our marriage that wasn't broken but was strained and distant. We aren't touchy-feely kinds of people and almost dreaded going out of fear that it would be a feel-good mush-mush weekend that wouldn't help us fix our problems. Within those two days we cried, shouted, embraced, and committed our marriage to the Lord. I thank God for that weekend and what happened. “As the whirlwind passeth, so is the wicked no more: but the righteous is an everlasting foundation” (Prv 10:35).
What happens when one partner doesn't want to fix the marriage and has left? Or when the environment includes abuse?
I haven't been there as a spouse, but grew up in it as a kid. My mother woke up one morning to discover she had become a single parent of four children, from ages two to nine. She struggled mightily to preserve and repair her marriage, forgave the unforgivable, and it still didn't work. He still left — not only her but us. The only role we had in his life was to serve as photo props for pictures to satisfy his mother — he abandoned us physically, mentally, financially, and spiritually.
My mother worked double duty for the rest of our childhoods. She returned to the workforce and dedicated her every free moment to her children. Dad might not have been there, but Mom was — every night and every weekend. She was at every ballgame, school play, graduation, and the lulls in between. We lost everything we owned — our home, cars, and more — and we had to begin life over. But she taught us respect, self-reliance, and a strong work ethic.
She couldn't fix the foundation of her marriage, but did her level best to provide a foundation for her family.
He is like a man which built an house, and digged deep, and laid the foundation on a rock: and when the flood arose, the stream beat vehemently upon that house, and could not shake it: for it was founded upon a rock. But he that heareth, and doeth not, is like a man that without a foundation built an house upon the earth; against which the stream did beat vehemently, and immediately it fell; and the ruin of that house was great” (Lk 6:48-49).
Living through that has enabled me to empathize with families I never would have otherwise been able to help. Poverty can be a great teacher. God can use all things for good. He can make beauty from the ashes.
When we know families who suffer and struggle through these heartaches, we must be there for them, when they want to talk and when they want to remain silent and focus on fun times.
Some idly say it takes a village. Remember that in that village, there was a church. The church was the center and hub of the community. The villagers worked farms, and the highlight of their lives was their time in church — in bounty and drought, from Lent to Easter, and from Christmas services to Palm Sunday processions. Long before the government took care of the sick, dying, and helpless, the church did. Today we call that a faith-based initiative. Then it was the duty of every Christian.
It still is our duty. We must be ever watchful of the families around us — those who are in our church, our family, our neighborhood, and our village — and be ready to greet them with a smile, a hug, and a helping hand whenever needed.
When we reach out to those in need and share our faith with them, it can build something wonderful upon the foundation of our own family.
For we are laborers together with God: ye are God's husbandry, ye are God's building. According to the grace of God which is given unto me, as a wise master builder, I have laid the foundation, and another buildeth thereon. But let every man take heed how he buildeth thereupon. For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ (1 Cor 3:9-11)
Mary Biever is a homeschooling mother of two who publishes encouragement articles and runs Encouragement Workshops For Today's Families.
This article was adapted from one of her columns.
