In the seventh year of our marriage, my husband and I came upon a fundamental disagreement. He wanted to move because, as he said, “If I don’t move, I will die.” I wanted to stay put because as my maternal instincts put it, “If you move, your life will fall apart.” We were both right. We were both violent about being right. We spent a year, one full year, 100% at odds over this issue. This was by far the worst fight we had ever had. It seemed unresolvable.
The delicious consequence? We learned to fight the good fight. We learned to fight and stay in love. We learned to fight and kiss while not making up.
Here are the things we learned:
1. The most important rule is NEVER to make a personal attack. Always, always, always, keep firm to the principles involved. Instead of, “You are crazy to want that!” Try, “Give me a list of pros and cons for your proposal.” Instead of, “You are a nagging wife.” Try, “Give me the reasons you oppose my proposal, and while you’re at it, give me a list of reasons why you support my proposal just so I know you have good will.”
2. Do not accuse. Start your sentences with “I think” or “I feel.” A sentence beginning with “You make me…” makes your spouse defensive as well as forcing another issue to be discussed — Is it unjust to make someone feel a certain way?
3. Think carefully about how you feel. Typically, “I feel angry” ought to be reduced to “I feel vulnerable,” “I feel scared,” “I feel betrayed,”, etc. We usually generate anger at these times as a protective mechanism. And while that is fine and natural, the anger is not the problem, the other is the problem, and that is what should be discussed. Why do you feel vulnerable, scared, betrayed, etc. Also, a spouse will usually respond more generously to feelings of weakness than to feelings of anger. Anger is usually responded to with more anger and nothing gets discussed.
4. Remember that your spouse’s position is generated from his personality, which you chose as a helpmate to salvation. For example, if I had chosen a spontaneous joyful spouse for the happiness he brought to my life, I should not be surprised when he wants to go on the spur of the moment to Disneyland. I might oppose the decision but while doing so I ought to look with love and admiration at his ability to be spontaneous. This is, after all why I married him. If I had chosen a cautious and considerate spouse and I was the one proposing Disneyland while he opposed it due to lack of planning, then I ought to recall how his contemplative personality sooths my wild soul. I will then rejoice in his innate ability to calm me down and direct me.
With these rules of the court, you will manage to disagree agreeably and to end each battle with a hug and a kiss and a truly sincere commitment of love.
And now let me confess: Just after writing this article my husband and I came into a grand disagreement. As I held my tongue in an attempt to quell the personal attacks running rampant in my heart, I was nearly reduced to tears.
I thought: “ What were the rules that I had just laid out? Why can’t I follow them?”
To my credit, I held my tongue. To my discredit, it was only with time and incessant pleading for Grace that I managed to maintain a decent conversation with my husband. And he, true to his form, cried out in the middle of it, “I love you! You have such fire and liveliness! I love to see the lightning in your eyes!”
And as he kissed me in real joy I thought, “What on earth did I do to deserve such a husband? And Lord, you know he is still wrong!”
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