There’s always one person who thinks she can teach better than the instructor. This is the person in the semi-inconspicuous third row that’s constantly counting out loud, whooping, hollering, and generally making comments reserved for the instructor. This is extra annoying when the Wannabe can’t even keep proper count.
This and other thrilling tidbits come from my exhausting, highly scientific study of suburban women’s exercise habits. Also known as, “Things I learned from skipping the ab work and observing my sisters in sweat”…although, (Tidbit #2) there’s typically one token male in the crowd.
3. There’s always at least one woman who dons a full face of make-up, perfume, coiffed hairdo and perfect pedicure. And no, it’s not me.
4. Wide bottomed shorts are not the best choice for floor work if you (a) like to be in the front row right up by the mirror, and (b) are the least bit modest.
5. Using the gym-provided floor mats is not recommended for the germ-conscious exerciser.
6. When you work out three days a week for eight months straight on neighboring mats with the pregnant woman, you feel like family. Frankly, I was a bit disappointed the baby wasn’t named after me. I mean, things can get pretty personal in a crowded Pilates class.
7. Black is the preferred color of workout shorts and pants. Grey is a close second. Anything else practically glows in the dark.
8. Spots on the floor in class are akin to pews in church. Regular attendees have their Special Spot and woe to the Newcomer who arrives early and takes it.
9. It’s totally useless to instruct me, “Just use this time for yourself. Block out all your worries, chores, lists of things to do today, and children’s schedules.”
Yesterday, when the yoga instructor told us, “Stand like a tree,” I remembered I need to call the arborist about taking down the tree in the front yard that’s breaking up my sidewalk…which needs to be pressure-washed and has weeds growing between the cracks despite the fact I used “All Season” weed killer… which reminded me my son needs poster board for a biology plant project due in the morning… Should I go straight from class all smelly and unfashionable or go home and shower first? But if I do, the phone will probably ring and I’ll trip over the laundry I left sorted in piles on the kitchen floor and feel compelled to actually wash some of it… Then it’ll be time for the bus to arrive and I really don’t want to drag the kids to the store with me if I don’t have to and when am I supposed to defrost something for dinner?
10. Loud music is best. Then I can’t hear myself think about the million things I’m not supposed to be thinking about. I wonder if I even have anything at home to defrost… Quick! Turn on some loud music!
Karen Rinehart is a magazine humor columnist, public speaker and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies, a newspaper. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
