Easy Open Packages — You know, the kind that require the dexterity of a heart valve surgeon but strength of an Iron Man.
Resealable Packages — With the wimpy press and lock (zipper) closure that rarely seals securely. Or half the "zipper" rips off when you tear along the Easy Open Perforation. Rescuing the scattered frozen biscuits from the kitchen before the dogs preempt breakfast presents a challenge.
Disappearing Receipts — Yes, disappearing ink is no long restricted to gag jokes and magic shops. Before my 30 day return policy limit is up, the ink has already faded into receipt heaven. I should have known 30 days was not going to give me enough time to fit into those jeans. When will I learn?
Wrinkle Free Fabrics — Mostly my husband's cotton khaki pants. Nowhere in the slick advertising does it state you have to rinse them in cold water, skip the liquid laundry softener, then yank and hang precisely 17.2 seconds before the dryer buzzes or they'll wrinkle with the rest of the load. And you want one crease instead of two running down the pant leg? Get out the iron.
Pantyhose — Should be marked "disposable" and priced accordingly.
Socks without Partners — Join your local 12-Step Program today!
Time Flies When You're Having Fun — Otherwise known as, "So Honey, what'd you do all day?" or "What HAVE I Done All Day?"
Time Goes Faster as You Get Older (And Other Things Your Father Warned You About) — When I was in high school and he started that particular speech (#1782 from The Daddy Doctrines), I nodded politely, even though the end of the week, let alone semester or, dream on, graduation day, seemed painful light years away.
Now my children are that teenager, and I can't remember what they sounded like when they were 3-years-old. Or 7. Or 11….and I fear I'll wake up tomorrow and dress for my son's graduation from Med school, and the following week, I'll be shopping for a tasteful wedding dress for the little girl who, honestly, just yesterday morning, was insisting on traversing the grocery store aisles in one black shoe, one purple sandal, training pants and a juice stained Barney t-shirt.
Phone Magnetism — Your child will wait until you're on the phone to: (A) Talk to you; (B) Pick a fight with his little sister; (C) Need something off the top shelf of the pantry; (D) Hand you his not-so-pretty progress reports; or, (E) Bathe the cat in the toilet. Mercifully, you're likely to be "conversing" with another Bus Stop Mommy who will not think you're the world's most spineless mother when she hears you throw a package of Double Stuff Oreos across the house and yell, "Fetch! And don't come back until you've eaten them all!"
When not throwing cookies across the house, Karen can be reached at www.karenrinehart.net.
