The vast majority of marriages fail because of inaction. Spouses freeze at marital warning signs; friends and clergy hesitate at when or how to “get involved.” Typically, calls for help are also misread. A hurting spouse comes to a friend, relative, priest, religious, doctor, etc. The words may sound innocuous or may be couched in sarcasm or humor as spouses test the waters of concern: “You know, Tom’s lost interest in anything except work or his ball games.” Or, “Mary seems to have no understanding of all I do to put bread on the table.” Or, “John sure seems to have no libido!” Or, “That Janie! She can sure out-drink me!” Or, “Bill doesn’t seem to mind missing Sunday Mass if the kids have a soccer game.”
As Catholic mediators, we know it is no accident that Jesus Christ is called “the Word.” We know that words matter. Yet all too often, words of lament are discounted even though a spouse’s cry for help can be translated as: We’ve been thinking of committing marital suicide, does anyone care?
In early stages of marital discord, the possibility for healing and renewal is most promising. Yet training rooted in Judeo-Christian and transformative precepts of natural law are rare. Thus, few friends, clergy or religious know what to do when approached by a wounded spouse and so they become embarrassed, uncomfortable or shy. Three common thoughts predominate: “I don’t want to take sides!” “I don’t want to get involved.” “I’ve already got enough on my plate, Lord!” As a result, spousal complaints are minimized. “Every married couple goes through that!” Or, “Oh, you two will work it out! Just say a prayer!” Then the subject is promptly changed.
So what can you do to foster mediation in and through Christ? While no one is called to carry burdens beyond personal limitations, you can begin the witness to truth in a simple three-step approach: First and foremost, pray before speaking. Your prayer may be as brief as, “Lord, give me your healing words!” The point is to consciously recognize your own limits while intentionally opening your heart to God’s grace. Do not rely on your own wisdom alone. Instead, invite God’s creative intervention in the present moment.
Second, encourage immediate action. Take care not to downplay even a humorous complaint, and let this person know that you do care. “I hear you. That can’t be pleasant. This sounds like a warning sign. Since I know you don’t want to drift apart over this, how about getting some professional help about this?”
In this second step, you introduce a sense of urgency that challenges any tendency to inertia. At the same time, you clarify your own limitations while pointing out that creative solutions can be found. Finally, you tacitly affirm your unwillingness to offer advice beyond your ability because there is no way that you can possibly know all the facts. At the same time, while shunning either vengeance or self-pity, you are stressing the need for immediate action.
In the third step, offer only the help that you can give reasonably give. Let your limitations be clear. “I may not be able to do much right now, but there’s two things I can do. I can pray with and for you each day. I can also, if you’d like, make some calls tomorrow to see if I can find you the name of a good Catholic marriage counselor.” This suggestion focuses on the real hope of seeking a solution rooted in the unity of body and soul. Faith-based marriage counseling speaks to the critical dual need for both spiritual and practical resources.
As you can see, this sort of response takes but minutes. You listen with care. You make your offer. You plant a seed. Then you take your next cue from the spouse. If the spouse seems to regret sharing, back off gently by saying: “Of course. I’ll certainly respect your decision.” If the spouse seeks more than you can give at the moment, reiterate your limitations clearly but with charity: “I wish I could do more. If my abilities change, I promise to let you know.” If your offer to find the name of a good faith-based counselor is accepted, take the responsibility seriously. Make sure you find a professional who takes the Catholic faith seriously and who unabashedly seeks to save marriages wherever possible. Untold harm can be done in the name of professional marriage counseling or mediation devoid of such basic witness to the faith.
In short, the choice to “get involved” need not be complex. Moreover, all words matter, even the ones we fail to speak. What we say and fail to say ripples across time and history. In seeking the mediated moment, consider what just a few grace-filled moments can accomplish. In sixty seconds' worth of focused listening, ten seconds' worth of prayer, and another sixty seconds' worth of caring advice, you can influence another to save a marriage.
No one is called to save the whole world. Christ has already done that. In fact, whether you are a friend or a parish priest, if you try to rescue all who come to you with problems, you will likely bankrupt yourself physically, emotionally and perhaps even spiritually. Moreover, if you pretend you will do more than you are able to do in order to help a wounded spouse, you will only end up betraying your friend or parishioner. Such betrayal may even invite a lapse in faith.
Nevertheless, we can all do more. Inaction breeds divorce. What is required is a bit of courage. In writing on this virtue in his great work, Orthodoxy, Chesterton seeks to embolden us to keep in mind that life demands choices:
A soldier surrounded by enemies, if he is to cut his way out, needs to combine a strong desire for living with a strange carelessness about dying. He must not merely wait for death, for then he will be a suicide and will not escape. He must not merely cling to life, for then he will be a coward, and will not escape.
It does take courage to fight the inertia that creeps into the entrenched alienation that ends in the destruction of a marriage. Well-focused help begins in recognizing personal limitations. Admitting to those limitations is another powerful way of witnessing to Christ’s truth. Yet, as you test your own ability to become involved, take care that you do not miss an opportunity to enter into a mediated moment. We all need to battle the inaction that has led so many marriages to end in divorce. In a few loving and prayerful words, we can encourage another to mediate conflict in and through Christ.
An author and attorney who spent nearly two decades in trial litigation, Mary Meade now directs the Marriage and Family Recovery Programs, Inc., for wounded marriages, troubled teens, workplace disputes, and recovering clergy. For further information, log on to www.marriagerecovery.com. Mrs. Meade is also the Director of the Natural Law Study Center in the Diocese of Arlington.
