Different Ways of Asking Forgiveness

The foundation of true and complete forgiveness is humility. The dare for us is to imitate Christ and master humility from Him. "Learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart … " (Matthew11:29). St. Maximus the Confessor said: "The saints are full of goodness, compassion, kindliness and mercy (i.e. forgiveness). They manifest the same love for the whole human race. Because of this they hold fast throughout their lives to the highest of all blessings, humility that conserves other blessings and destroys their opposites."

The ability to directly forgive individuals, political party leaders and members, civil authorities, the military and citizens of nations who have wronged us is one of the highest fruits of such humility. We must pray for all those offenders who have not repented and have not asked forgiveness, by praying the words that Jesus prayed on the cross for the Romans, Jewish leaders, and all defilers who called out "Crucify him!" (Mark 15:13) and for those who actually performed the horrible execution: "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

Straight Talking

It takes profound humility both to ask for forgiveness and to forgive. The best way is to use unambiguous words. The wrongdoer may say something like: "I have sinned" or "I have done wrong" or "I did (name the act) and I ask your forgiveness." Say this in imitation and the spirit of the Prodigal Son: "Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you" (Luke 15:18). And the person wronged, in imitation of the words of Our Lord when he spoke to the woman caught in adultery: "Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again" (John 8: 11). Of course we may use our own words: "I forgive you" or "Thank you for the apology, I accept it" or "I forgive you, please do not hurt me again." A Caveat: Adult wisdom in Christ not naiveté.

 Remember what Our Lord said: "Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves" (Matthew 10:16), along with St. Paul's counsel to the Corinthians: "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways" (1 Corinthians 13).  These will help us to apply forgiveness in a mature, adult, un-naive but Christ-like manner. Forgiveness means to love. Love means to want the good and welfare of those we love. The ultimate good and welfare is to have Christ dwell in each of our hearts and to do for others what we would want done for ourselves according to Christ's command: "So whatever you wish that men would do to you, do so to them" (Matthew7:12).

This means to provide the basics of food, shelter, clothing, and medicine as well as access to His Body, the Church, and, if worthy, to the Holy Mysteries (Sacraments). It does not mean being blind to the facts of human brokenness, and what Christ, the Church Fathers and research science reveals to us about the human condition. For example, forgiveness does not mean allowing a recovering drug addict access to drugs, or a former thief access to money, or a pedophile access to children, a political war criminal access to political power, or a war-like national state access to weapons, etc.

Indirect Ways of Asking Forgiveness

It is crystal clear that humans do not start their physical, psychological or spiritual lives in a "perfect state." The scientific study of human development suggests psychological growth occurs in stages and involves gradual bio-social-behavioral shifts and growth (Cole, Cole & Lightfoot, 2005). The writings of the Church Fathers reveal that spiritual growth also takes place in steps or stages. The title of one of the classics of Eastern Orthodox spiritual wisdom, "The Ladder of Divine Ascent" by St. John of the Ladder (579-649), bears out that spiritual development takes places as in Jacob's dream: "And he dreamed that there was a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven; and behold, the angels of God were ascending and descending on it" (Genesis 28:12).

Behavioral psychologists use a technique called "shaping" to bring about appropriate behavior. It involves rewarding small increments in desirable behaviors that are similar and lead to the correct appropriate behavioral goal. It is important to start with the level a person is capable of performing then rewarding the next step. For example, the parent of a child who tosses all his or her clothing on the floor might reward their child for picking up one clothing item, followed by another reward when the child picks up two items, until an entire messy room is cleaned up. The same principle holds true in both asking for, and giving, forgiveness. Some will not be able to start out with the desirable straight talking described above and so will have to approach the process incrementally.

Some examples of different starting points include: restarting friendly communication; doing something nice that is unexpected; offering to help on a problem; telling a humorous story; or suggesting resuming a previously halted activity. When someone reaches out, even indirectly, and is ignored, it is usually perceived as aversive by the person who has initiated the imperfect but desirable reaching-out action. This decreases the likelihood the person will continue to grow and develop either to asking or giving forgiveness. For example, after some disagreement, but before actual forgiveness is asked, one of the individuals may suggest going out for a walk. No doubt the ideal is straight talking. Yet, most people cannot jump to the top rung of the ladder. It is psychologically sound, and more importantly Christ-like, to go along with our brothers and sisters in Christ — as well as all mankind (i.e. Jews, Moslems, atheists, etc.) — who are climbing the ladder one step at a time.

The example above is based on one to one personal or family interaction. However political parties and nations themselves often act in similar ways. We see examples of nations that took years, decades, even centuries to either straight talk wrongs committed by themselves or to forgive the repenting nations. Many times small steps are taken even before this goal is reached such as increased trade, debt alleviation, medical or food supply help, disaster aid, etc.

Another important first step may be groups solving common problems, then disseminating favorable information about the groups to each other. This may be a small, but significant step in the forgiveness process. For a Christian viewing all mankind, despite intra-national or international group affiliation, as "children of God, made in His image and called to be like Him" is the most favorable information that could be received.

Brokenness, Reliance on the Holy Spirit and Prayer

Unfortunately, sometimes even straight-talk and shaping do not lead to constructive action. This is clearly seen in the scandal of separation among the Catholic and Orthodox Churches. Pope Paul VI and Patriarch Athenagoras in 1964 AD mutually lifted the excommunication between the Roman and Constantinopolitan Patriarchates that had been in place since 1054 AD. Last November, Pope Benedict XVI and Patriarch Bartholomew embraced each other and prayed for unity. We can acknowledge this as a small step in the ladder to unity. Where is the movement to go on to the next step? The Holy Spirit will have to give the grace of humility and wisdom to all.

Extending the Words of St. Paul

Paul said to the Romans: "I am under obligation both to Greeks and to barbarians, both to the wise and to the foolish: so I am eager to preach the gospel to you also who are in Rome. For I am not ashamed of the gospel: it is the power of God for salvation to every one who has faith, to the Jew first and also to the Greek… For God shows no partiality…" (Romans 1: 14-18; 2:11).

With humble boldness and without condemnation, amplify the words of St. Paul by drawing from Galatians 3:28 and adding a few relevant modern examples: There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female, conservative or liberal, Democrat or Republican, Bushite or anit-Bushite, American or Iraqi, Syrian or Lebanese, Israeli or Palestinian, African Sudanese or Arab Sudanese (Darfur), Armenian or Turk, Catholic or Protestant, Latin Christian or Eastern Orthodox, Black or White, or Hispanic or Oriental, legal or illegal immigrant; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.

We know that not all of the persons mentioned are "one in Christ Jesus" because the rest St. Paul's teaching has not yet been met: "… for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ" (Galatians 3: 26-27). Nevertheless, all persons are made in God's image and called to be like Him whether or not they have been baptized. We who are "baptized into Christ" are obligated to preach to all mankind by our actions of forgiveness and love.

(Excerpted by permission of the author. For the complete version of this article including references click here.)  

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