© Copyright 2002 Catholic Exchange
Mrs. Allen lives with her family in Texas.
I’ll never forget visiting the daycare owner for the first time. She seemed nice enough but my husband and I had our reservations. We nevertheless convinced ourselves that our two month-old son would only be there for a year or so while we arranged our finances such that one of us could be at home with him for good. I’ll never forget the matter-of-fact way she said, “Don’t worry if you come to pick him up and he clings to me and doesn’t want to go with you. Sometimes ‘my kids’ call me mommy.”
If that was supposed to comfort me, it didn’t. I felt numb imagining that my precious boy would consider someone else his mother and equate our special bond with whomever was caring for him at the moment. Regretfully, we still took our son to daycare for about four months – months that were filled with doctor visits, one hospital stay and countless non-productive hours at work wondering if my son was truly okay.
I will never forget the drained expression on his face when I would pick him up. How miserable and tired he looked! And on top of that it seemed as if he didn’t recognize me, for there was rarely a smile or sign that he saw me as any different from any other mother picking up her child.
I spoke to other mothers about this and their haunting counsel was “it’s never comfortable, but it gets easier.” I kept asking myself, “What am I doing to my son?” Instead of resigning myself permanently to the insane thinking that all children must go to daycare, I resolved to withdraw my son from daycare immediately. I was stunned at the number of mothers I encountered who scoffed at the notion that daycare is in any way detrimental – as if two-income families were absolutely mandatory.
Anyone who believes their child is perfectly fine at daycare should visit one and observe how much time is actually spent individually with each child. Children in daycare are typically on strict schedules, have little or no quiet time, enjoy precious little one-on-one attention, and are always at the mercy of their caregiver. Consider the teacher-to-child ratio. If you think a child will receive “quality care” in a “loving” environment, then maybe you should try watching, feeding and changing six to eight children of identical age all by yourself and see how well you do in an eight- to 10-hour day. Someone is always going to be left alone. Others will be thirsty or hungry or in need of comforting at any given time while you're doing your best to keep up. This does not even address the sense of abandonment and broken security a child feels, especially if the parents had been the only care-givers that child had known before being left in a room full of strangers in a foreign environment.
Daycare workers are not magicians, so they cannot be expected to handle such a situation any better than could you or I. Nor are they even inclined to, necessarily, because the children they “watch” are not even their own.
Nothing justified subjecting our son to such conditions just so we could afford to live “the good life” or “get ahead” by having an additional income.
Fortunately for us, my husband lost his job and we decided then and there that I would work full-time and he would watch our son and attempt to establish a home-based business. We immediately saw a change in our son. He played more, his lethargy and crankiness practically disappeared, and best of all, he no longer required routine doctor visits. And as a couple, we were far less stressed by the ongoing balancing act between work, home and family. We were happier and more at peace. Our weekends were rhythmic and spent as a family instead of frantically catching up on errands and chores.
For us, jobs will come and go, but our child’s remaining early years are finite and fleeting. If I were to lose my job I could always find another one. But I could not replace my family. I have no visions of becoming a high-powered executive and none of my work will likely have a long-lasting impact on anything. But the time, love and dedication my husband and I pour out to our son every day will have a generational impact. Parenting is the job in which we want to become high achievers.
