G'day, mates. I'm the Crocodile Hunter and we're here today to view the daily habits of the impressive child of the human species. Crikey! Look at the size of the mess he's created!
Now, the most notable thing about the male child is that he's always wearing his shirt backward. See, this is how he makes himself presentable to the rest of the world. He thinks he's clean now because the spots are in the back.
Now, we're going to enter his room and this is very dangerous because, well, as you can detect with your nose, there's a pair of wet swim trunks hidden in this room that are growing mildew because they've been left here so long. Crikey! It smells like a locker room for mating chimpanzees!
But let's keep looking. We just might unearth clues that will actually help us identify when the male of this species develops the habits that will totally repulse females of the species. Yeah, here we go, mate. Look at that — it's a pair of boxers, a t-shirt and socks mere inches from the hamper. Crikey! It's like there's some sort of invisible force preventing him from actually depositing his soiled clothes into the hamper!
Now this is an important discovery. It means that the male of the species, while not born with this lazy trait, develops and perfects it roughly by the age of eight years. Mums, take note. Use this information to curb this tendency. But be careful! If you'll look closely, you'll see that the young male does not use toilet paper. You'll want to use a long stick when you pick up these articles of clothing.
Now people ask me, “Mate, what attracts you to this disgusting line of work?” Well, I just have to say that I LOVE the male child, especially since I was one meself.
Look at this! It's ingenious! See, to the ordinary observer, it appears that the room is totally trashed, but what you are actually looking at is a sophisticated filing system. The male of the human species knows exactly where each article of clean clothing is. He knows where every book, homework paper and Lego piece is. It's really a very brilliant system designed to prevent sisters from entering his room thus ensuring his complete privacy. So Mums beware.
Look at this! It's a pair of underwear here, hanging from the knob on the dresser!
This chaos and sloth harkens back to the dawn of time. Cavemen didn't have closets, dressers and hampers. So it's actually a form of repression requiring your son to make use of these things. So instead of yelling at him, just grunt, scratch yourself and whoop it up. He'll understand. He's male after all.
(Jelly Mom is written by Lisa Barker, author of Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane…Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent! and syndicated through Martin-Ola Press/Parent To Parent. To publish Jelly Mom, buy the book or leave comments, please visit www.jellymom.com.)
