Cohabitation

Part 2 of 6

When the rich young man asks Jesus what he must do to receive eternal life, he is expressing our human longing for happiness, true happiness that is more than pleasure, or having fun, or being entertained, happiness that is complete and forever " living in God's love for all eternity. Jesus' initial response is: “Keep the Commandments.” That is the first program for happiness, for social justice, and for world peace.

Many of today's most serious social and spiritual problems exist as a result of our neglect to live the Commandments. What is more alarming is that by not obeying the Commandments we jeopardize happiness in this life and in eternity. As Americans we are great lovers of freedom. It has been our glory to exalt democracy and liberty, but we sometimes forget that true freedom is based on truth and implies sacrifices and responsibilities. Today, “freedom” is often a euphemism for individualism or selfishness. Obeying the Commandments is not easy, and we all have frequent falls. In his moving sermon in Moby Dick, Father Marple says, “To obey God, we have to disobey ourselves " and that is always hard.”

In today's world, many people opt to cohabit and claim to be “following their conscience.” Too often, what they mean is “choosing what comes easiest” rather than making a moral decision. Conscience is the voice of God speaking to us in the intimate depths of our heart, helping us to distinguish between right and wrong, good and evil. That voice, when authentic, never contradicts the Commandments that Moses brought down from Mt. Sinai and which St. Paul says are written on our hearts. The choice to live together outside of marriage is always a violation of God's law.

The Church Community is aware of the societal, economic, and cultural influences that weigh so heavily on all of us, and that leads many young Catholics to opt for cohabitation. Our objections are not borne of prudery or an “old-fashioned” worldview. The Church has observed the devastation and unhappiness that has been caused by the weakening of the institution of marriage and the breakdown of family life. Our criticism of cohabitation is not one of self-righteousness, but rather of true pastoral concern for the spiritual well being of our people and the future of society where materialism and individualism are undermining the common good.

People list many justifications for cohabitation such as: “It is more economical,” “it is a good way to test the relationship,” “we need to know one another before we have children together,” “God doesn't care,” “everyone is doing it,” “it's a private matter.” None of these justifications is entirely accurate and only serve to perpetuate the contemporary myth that cohabitation is a reasonable and moral preparation for marriage, or a good alternative to the institution of marriage.

We used to call it “living in sin.” Then we forgot what sin was about, and it became “living together.” The more technical term is cohabitation, but in a word it is “joining together what God has not.” The results for many individuals, and for American society as a whole, have been most distressing. In fact, cohabitation has been described as, “a cancer eating away at the front end of marriage.” It has diverted tens of millions of Americans from getting married and has increased the odds of divorce of those who marry after living together. Likewise, a Penn State University study confirms that “the more months of exposure to cohabitation that young people experienced, the less enthusiastic they were toward marriage and childbearing.”

Last year, Rutgers University published a report: “Should We Live Together? What Young Adults Need To Know About Cohabitation Before Marriage.” Doubtless, the study was prompted by the growing acceptance of cohabitation in our country. There are now more than 4.2 million couples who cohabitate. It has also had an influence on the thinking of today's high school students. The report notes that 60% of high school seniors think, “It is a good idea to live together before getting married.” At the same time that there has been a tenfold increase in couples living together, the marriage rate has dropped 41%.

The finds of the Rutgers University study coincide with many other research projects on cohabitation. Typically, cohabitation results in greater unhappiness. The experience of cohabitation damages attitudes about permanence and commitment and makes couples more apt to divorce. Couples who cohabit experience more domestic violence and the use of sexual favors as a controlling device in a relationship. One British study found that children living with cohabiting parents are 20 times more likely to be victims of child abuse as those of married parents. Cohabiting couples have more fights over money. Cohabitators might end up being “pressured into a marriage” by circumstances and expectations that gravely diminish a free and responsible decision and commitment.

The average “living arrangement” lasts 15 months. After a year of sharing an apartment and a life with someone as if husband and wife, “parting can be such sweet sorrow.” It can be as painful as a divorce, giving rise to the modern phenomenon of “premarital divorce”; and, far from producing marital stability, when cohabitating couples do get married they have 50% higher odds of divorce.

As Catholics we believe in the words of James Healy: “…that sexual intimacy finds its true home in marriage: a public, faithful, exclusive commitment to each other, and an equally important lifetime commitment to the children who may be created from this marriage.” (Living Together & Christian Commitment P.3)

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