College Commencement Day is a time for great expectations. Graduates have completed their course work and are prepared to go into the world and make their unique contributions. But it is also a day that is clouded by the fact that each graduate will go his or her own separate way, dissolving the bond of friendship that was formed in college. New friends will be made. Past friends will not be entirely forgotten, but things will be very different.
I had not seen my best friend from college for several years after graduation. He went to Wisconsin and earned an advanced degree in chemistry. I went to New York and studied philosophy. I was pleased when I discovered that he, now married, had relocated just a few miles from where I lived. We got in touch. My friend and his wife happily arranged a reunion dinner for my wife and me.
During our conversation, my friend talked about two acquaintances of his who were living together. Concerning their out-of-marriage relationship, my amiable dinner host said, “Who am I to judge?” He delivered these words with the self-assurance that he was being generous and accepting. His tone implied that I should think the same way, which, of course, meant not to think at all, but simply to accept. In other words, he thought of himself as being “liberal.” I said nothing. It was neither the time nor place for an extended disputation. Years later, I was sadly disappointed to hear this same phrase on a moral issue uttered by no less than Pope Francis.
St. Thomas Aquinas said that the best thing one can do for a friend is to lead him to the truth. He did not say that this is easy to accomplish. But he did underscore the fact that the meaning of friendship is to be united in truth. Tact, of course, is the ability to make a point without losing a friend.
The notion that, with regard to moral issues, we should accept but not think is, in my view, unthinkable. When no one thinks, no one feels uncomfortable. One of the great heresies in the modern world is the belief that acceptance is love. Acceptance is benign. No one is offended. But love is dangerous. It could upset people, even enrage them. Yet we are all commanded to love. Why are there suicide hotlines? Why is there near universal opposition to drug abuse? Why is domestic violence condemned? The simple answer is that suicide, drug abuse, and domestic violence are morally wrong. They are severely injurious to human beings. No one opposes judging in these instances. But when it comes to sexual indiscretions, the “Who am I to judge” flag is hoisted.
My dear friend felt that living together would be wrong for Catholics, but not necessarily wrong for non-Catholics. This is where I thought our disagreement was most serious. Everyone should be discouraged from sinning, not just Catholics. The natural law applies to all human beings. It is not because one is Catholic that he is obliged to refrain from sinning. It is because he is a human being. Catholic, as the word indicates, means universal. “Go forth and teach all nation” implies that anyone can profit from Catholic teaching.
When it comes to judging, we are all forbidden to judge the person. But we are encouraged to judge the actions. Therefore, the Catholic Church is a great teacher and always has been. Augustine and Aquinas, Maritain and Gilson, were persons of exceptional kindness. But they were also exceptionally capable of judging whether certain actions are morally right or wrong.
The fact that surgery usually requires pain and discomfort does not mean that doctors should never practice the art for which they were trained. Physical healing is usually accompanied by pain. That is simply an integral and unavoidable part of medicine. And so it is that moral healing is often accompanied by pain. Bruising the ego, challenging one’s life style, being shamed and embarrassed are also forms of pain, but pains that are often required for conversion.
Catholicism is not insular. It is for everyone, despite the fact that most people are not Catholic. Catholicism is essentially apostolic because its moral foundation in the natural law is valid for everyone.
I never saw my friend again. The rift between us was more than we could overcome. He expected me to be other than I am. I learned of his passing with sadness. He was certainly a good man and a good Catholic. Nonetheless, a Catholic should love others without settling for acceptance. As we all know so well, exchanging acceptance for love is a tricky business. And loving means (as any mother knows very well) helping people to turn away from sin and become whole. How this is accomplished requires the kind of diplomacy that is more delicate than the diplomacy practiced by paid diplomats. Yet God’s grace, we must not forget, is continually available.
My best friends are the ones who help me to realize my indiscretions. Wives seem to be particularly gifted in this respect. Husbands should comply cheerfully. Confession is good for the soul. But so is admonition. One should not fear correction if he understands that he is loved. Faults can be corrected without injuring love. We can bail the canoe of excess water while the canoe remains unharmed.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
