Recently, a family member asked my husband and me to support something beyond our capabilities for reasons I won’t get into. When I set boundaries, said no, offered a reasonable compromise, and tried to explain our position, they unexpectedly rejected us. Afterwards, the person chose not to contact us for over a month. It hurt me deeply. I couldn’t help but think that our love was utilitarian, measured by what I could do for them rather than the unconditional love that I thought we shared.
I can appreciate the person’s disappointment. No one wants to hear no as an answer to a request. However, when we ask someone for something, no is a possible answer that, as adults, we must be prepared to hear. Should our disappointment depend on the reason for the answer? Love should not be measured by what someone can or cannot do for us.
Can I set a boundary and still be holy? Whenever I am hurt or confused by someone’s unexpected behavior, I ask myself what Jesus would do. Did Jesus set boundaries when He walked the earth? He most certainly did! We can set healthy, holy boundaries too, according to His example. Here’s how.
Saying No to Demands
No is a complete sentence. Jesus knew when others’ expectations went against His plan, which then made it necessary for Him to say no. He often sought solitude in quiet places when He needed to manage His own peace. We too are called to rest and seek solitude when people’s pressures and expectations exceed our capabilities. Overextending to the point of being overwhelmed is less than ideal for the people we are called to assist. In Mark 1:35–38, Peter tracked Jesus down to exclaim that the crowds were looking for Him. Jesus said, “Let us go on to the next towns, that I may preach there also; for that is why I came out.” He knew His purpose and honored it.
Jesus went to quiet places to recharge. He had His priorities focused on God. Sometimes, we too must protect our own peace. It may be due to physical limitations, mental anxieties, or being overwhelmed. Saying no does not mean we don’t love someone. It means we love them enough to trust they will understand when we cannot say yes for various reasons.
Perhaps time is the issue for that person saying no. Maybe the person unable to fulfill the request is experiencing emotional fatigue or a health problem of their own, which they are not ready to share. Whatever the reason, when someone sets a boundary, we should try to respect it even if we don’t fully understand.
Setting Boundaries Around Expectations
Jesus knew what His mission was. He didn’t let anyone get in the way. After He fed the multitudes, they wanted Him to be their King. He withdrew by Himself because He knew His mission and identity. He would not be forced into anything aside from the expected plan. Similarly, when Peter tried to get in the way of Jesus’ mission, He emphatically said: “Get behind me, Satan!” Jesus knew what God the Father expected of Him. His boundaries were clear, and no one was to get in the way. Even when Satan tried to tempt Jesus three times while He was fasting for forty days, Jesus was not going to relinquish His boundaries. He knew what was expected of Him, and He held firm to what He could and couldn’t do.
Setting Boundaries on His Terms
When Mary asked Jesus to produce wine at the wedding at Cana, Jesus answered, “Woman, how does your concern affect me? My hour has not yet come” (Jn. 2:4). We know the end of the story was that, yes, He helped, but He did so on His terms. It was not because of family pressure.
Even though Jesus had twelve disciples, He often chose a few to be present during profound moments. Oftentimes this was John, Peter, and James. For example, He chose them for the Transfiguration and when Jairus’s daughter was raised. Perhaps He didn’t have to overexplain His position when dealing with a chosen few.
In our lives, it is also important to refrain from overexplaining our position when setting a boundary. A boundary is just that. If we overexplain, we instantly put ourselves in a court-of-law scenario. This gives the other person room to dispute why we should change our mind to suit them. To set healthy boundaries, keep a soft heart and a clear mind, use few words without overexplaining, know yourself, and protect your peace.
Boundaries With Critics
We have all been in situations where people critique us for our actions and words. It can be challenging to hold our ground and refrain from overexplaining the reasoning behind the boundary. In Matthew 21:23–27, the chief priests confronted Jesus and questioned what authority He had to speak. Jesus refused to answer because He knew it was a trap. Instead, He posed a question. When they refused to answer, He walked away saying nothing. This is a good lesson for us when someone tries to criticize our boundaries. Sometimes, as much as you want to address something, it is better to leave it unsaid. It is better to take a deep breath, stay humble, step back, and let God fight the battle.
Some battles are not worth fighting. Jesus also showed us this in Luke 4:28–30 when the angry crowd in Nazareth tried to throw Him off the cliff. Jesus did not argue. Instead, He walked through the crowd and left.
Someone will criticize your boundaries. It is a fact of life. However, they are your boundaries. If set for a good reason, with good and holy intentions, hold on to them. Do as Jesus did and choose peace instead of argument. Remember, you cannot control when someone is angry or disappointed with you and your boundaries. You can only control how you react. If you change the boundary you set, you are not being true to yourself and to your mission. If someone truly loves you, meaning they want the best for you, they will respect your boundary even if they don’t agree or fully understand.
Photo by Jan Canty on Unsplash
