Birthing a Car



I’d rather have a root canal. No, I take that back. I’d rather give birth to a ten-pound baby without an epidural. In a corn field in Timbuktu with enemy forces roaring down from the hills threatening to steal the baby and its sixteen siblings (all also born in a field, though some were beans, without an epidural) and train them to be automatic machine gun-toting anti-government guerillas.

A girl can dream…as she listens to yet another auto dealership sales manager tell her one southern-accented lie after another. “Well honey, that rebate’s only good ‘til the end of the month. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you.”

The rebate is good through July. It says so in plain, non-fine print on the auto manufacturer’s website. But I guess Mr. Sales Manager thinks all women car buyers are total yahoos, put on earth for their entertainment and ego stroking purposes.

“Well there, Miss Karen, you’ve always paid that car mat fee. Everyone does. I don’t care if you bought a Toyota, GM or this here Ford. Everyone pays extra for them car mats. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you.”

Ooooh! I’ll rush right over, but please be sure to add the Car Mat Fee to the additional fee I typically pay for the luxury package featuring a steering wheel, turn indicators and dashboard.

“Now there’s no way I can waive that $14.97 gas fee. See we’re doing you a favor by filling up the tank and we’re losing money in the deal. Them big boys in the big company don’t give us nothing. Why, they send us them cars without a full tank! But we want to be generous and fair to our customers. That gas fee’s never been waived, never will be. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you.”

I’ll fill up my own tank and pay the suspicious looking guy at the quickie mart more money just for spite.

“You wanna know what the Document Fee is? That teeny weenie nominal little fee of $489.50? Well that’s for the P.I.D.’s, the A.B.C.’s, the X.Y.Z.’s and for that piece of paper stuck to the side window. Then we gotta pay them girls upstairs to file the title and all. You don’t want them working for free, do you? That fee’s never been waived, never will be. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you.”

P.I.D. spelled backwards is DIP!

“Now missy, here I’m trying to be fair and honest and help you out and you’re not being fair asking me all them questions. When can I expect you in? I’ll have all the paperwork ready for you.”

Right after I’m done giving birth to a ten-pound baby….

Karen Rinehart is a syndicated newspaper columnist, public speaker, and creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. Her book, Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life, is a popular read in book clubs, school pick up lines, and soccer fields. She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England. You can read more at BusStopMommies.com. Karen lives in North Carolina with her two kids, two dogs, and one husband, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dogs at home.)

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