Better Late Than Never


I shed more than a few tears as I beheld these tiny bundles, all heads and arms and legs attached to tiny, pink bodies. My heart sang as the nurses went about their duties. As if caught in a dream, I watched as the excited Dad moved from child to child in absolute delight, not sure where to look next…then his glance would drift longingly toward the window to see if his beloved wife had been taken to the recovery room yet. It didn't take long for him to call their four year-old son, who was staying with his Grandmother, with the anticipated news. Brothers!

In the hour or so I spent looking through that nursery window, in my heart's eye I also got a glimpse of my own babies one more time. Guy's little head, dark with curly ringlets of hair, Adam's dimples, Ryan's shock of white-blonde hair and Joshua's startled reaction when the door snapped closed. It was as if the years melted away. Then the children before me were again the twins, their lives full of promise. But for that brief moment, in my heart I saw my babies again.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about my twenty-odd years as a Mom. For some time I've been coming to grips with the fact that my active time of parenting is changing rapidly to a more passive role. It's been a difficult challenge. Our oldest son is attending Community College and, although he lives at home, he's a grown man. This is our third year of Homeschooling the other three boys: a Junior, a Freshman and an eighth grader.

It'll be over in the blink of an eye. I'll miss it.

It's funny…when the boys were little I couldn't wait for them to grow up. Now that they're almost all grown…well…

The twins' birth illuminated the transition in my life. While it was a day of great joy and new beginnings, it triggered a time of deep soul-searching for me. I found myself taking stock. Over the years, by God's grace, I've made some much-needed changes in my life, most of them positive. I really like the person I'm becoming (well, most days anyway).

The amount of work that it takes, though, has been a bit daunting sometimes, especially when I lose track of who is really making the changes — me or my Maker. Those times I struggle with the knowledge that for many years I was selfish and emotionally bankrupt. Some of the choices I made hinged not on the children's needs, but on my own.

I can't hit a mythical, magical “rewind” button and fix those things. I can't go back to the twins' parents' reality. Nor am I sure I'd want to. But I can disable the ’ole guilt-o-meter. My Maker has blessed me with the opportunity to regularly partake in His Sacraments. He gave me the privilege of partaking in the Eucharist and going to Confession. By cooperating with His grace and accepting Christ's unconditional love, I can then offer my family what they want, need and deserve — a good Momma.

That day — one of new beginnings for my friends — renewed in me the deep and abiding faith that, with lots of God's help, I am becoming the kind of Mom I always wanted to be.

Better late than never!



© Copyright 2003 Catholic Exchange

Jackie Zimmerer is a wife and mother of four sons. She attends St. John's Catholic Church in the Diocese of Fort Worth, Texas.

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