If I said the word “hunting,” you'd probably get this image in your head of a stealthy male, creeping through the woods with nothing but a sharp knife and keen instinct. Or because of the title of this week's column, you might have an image of a hair-deprived individual stumbling around in bad galoshes.
Either way, you'd be wrong. Just like everything else, hunting has been updated by leaps and bounds thanks to technology. The modern hunter does not need a near-mythical knowledge of how to track animals or the marksmanship of an Olympic athlete. Indeed, it is almost, but not quite, to the point of logging on to bagadeer.com and adding a 12-point buck to your shopping cart.
For example, consider the following hunting technologies (and to be fair to my woodland readers, ways to beat the hunter):
PhotoHunter: A camera and infrared detector that you attach to a tree. When your intended prey wanders by, it snaps a time-dated photo to let you know when the creature is making its rounds so you know when to show up. Suggested countermeasures: Have your bird friends circle the tree several dozen times to run the camera out of film. Or, if it's a digital job, big smudgy nose prints on the lens will make images hard to decipher. If you work it right, the camera will end up taking blurry pictures of other hunters and your mark will figure he's discovered Bigfoot and leave you alone.
High Tech Camouflage: Programs like PhotoShop have made creating realistic camouflage less an art form, and more a case of pressing Select-Mother-Nature/Copy/Print-on-Pants. Suggested countermeasure: In the movie Cats & Dogs, ninja cats wore infrared goggles. Find some of these in a hurry. Added fun: Sneak up behind the hidden hunter and go BOO!
Digital Deer: No longer do you have to sound silly by attempting to mimic deer calls. Remote controlled MP3 players can broadcast such hit tunes as “Fawn Distress” or “Buck Social Grunt.” Suggested countermeasure: Get yourself an iPod and tune the hunters out by listening to albums like Animal Rap 12 and Animal House and Animal Magnetism.
Game Ear: It doesn't matter if you've ruined your ears by listening to too many Monday night football broadcasts at top volume. Digital listening equipment can help you catch the slightest leaf rustle from hundreds of meters away. Suggested countermeasure: Time your rounds precisely every day so that you know when Mr. Camera Hunter Guy is likely to show up. Have you and 100 of your closest friends arrive an hour early and nestle down, remaining perfectly still. After your hunter has settled in and turned on his game ear, have everyone yell “ROWR!” all at once.
Gun add-ons: It's not enough to have a scope or even a laser-guided scope these days. Modern hunters use complete ballistics systems to help you take altitude, barometric pressure, temperature, wind speed, and humidity into account. Suggested countermeasures: If being tracked, lead your hunter to the nearest water source and while he's carefully fording it, gun raised over his head, have one of your fish friends tickle his ribs until he drops the gun. Fzzt! No more ballistics system; wet gun powder, too. Alternative: Double back to his camp and tip the coffee pot over vital bits of equipment. This will have the bonus effect of making him groggy and cold.
To read more of Chandra's work, visit www.ChandraKClarke.com.
