Barbie and Ken have decided to “spend some time apart” but will “remain the best of friends,” according to a news release from Mattel, the maker of the 45-year-old doll. Barbie had been dating Ken for 43 years.
I was shocked. You see, for the past four years, Barbie has been living in a plastic toy box in our basement. A box jammed with Happy Meal prizes, puzzles with missing pieces and other choice items in which my children are no longer interested.
After reading the news, I rushed downstairs to interview Barbie and get the scoop. Barbie was ecstatic to see me.
Barbie: Thank you for letting me out! That talking Barney doll was really getting on my nerves.
Tim: Mine, too. That's why he was in the box with you. Barbie, I was surprised to hear about your breakup with Ken. I hope the fact that you were stuck in a box for the past four years didn't have anything to do with it.
Barbie: Actually, I haven't been in the box for the entire four years. You might recall that your son wedged me into a heating duct, where I remained with some Cheerios and a spoon for six months. After I was recovered, I was lost under the couch for a year with nothing to wear but some dust bunnies.
Tim: I stand corrected.
Barbie: At least you can stand. You should try it wearing half-inch stiletto heels.
Tim: So, why did you break up with Ken?
Barbie: Break up with Ken?! How could I break up with Ken? I've been locked up with inhabitants of the land of misfit toys! I might have called Ken on my cell phone but I left it in my Dream House, which you sold at a garage sale.
Tim: Got four bucks for it, too. The word on the street is that Ken is dating one of those American Girl dolls now.
Barbie: He always did have expensive taste. You could purchase a dozen Barbie ensembles and a lovely motor home for the price of one American Girl doll hair brush.
Tim: So, what do you plan to do now that you're unattached?
Barbie: I'm not sure. I can do so many things. I come in so many wonderful styles…veterinarian Barbie, astronaut Barbie, Scarlett O'Hara Barbie. How does President Barbie sound?
Tim: You have as good a shot as John Kerry. What's your view on foreign trade?
Barbie: Well, since I was manufactured in Taiwan, I'm fond of imports.
Tim: You might have a career on Fear Factor.
Barbie: What's Fear Factor?
Tim: It's a television program where they do disgusting things like cover you in honey, leave you in the sun and let ants crawl all over your body.
Barbie: Don't remind me. I hope your son has been kinder to the other dolls. My hair is still a sticky mess.
Tim: Perhaps the best thing for you is to start dating again. Since you've been in this box for so long, you aren't up to speed with how dating has changed. What I have to do first is take your picture.
Smile!…great…now I just have to upload your photo to this online auction…I mean dating…Web site. It's called eBay.
Barbie: Do you think a GI Joe doll might find me there? I've always liked men in uniform.
Tim: You never know. Now, Barbie, if you'd just step into this UPS box, I'll ship…I mean send…you on your date very soon. Bidding closes in three hours.
Barbie: Thanks, Tim. I'm glad you think so much of me.
Tim: Barbie, you're a woman of great value…increasing value in fact…look at those bids coming in…a buck and a half…two bucks. Combined with the four dollars I got for your dream house, it looks like we're ordering pizza for dinner.
(Tim Bete (pronounced “beet”) is married with three children. He has ten combined years as a dad — 70 in dog years — which makes him an expert at answering the questions, “Are we there yet?” and “Why?” To read more of Tim's writing, visit his Web site at www.timbete.com.)
(c) 2004, Timothy P. Bete
