Are You Sitting on the Fence on This One?



I have not always been what I would consider to be a committed Catholic. I am a convert, but even after being received into the Church, I was, for many years, what might best be described as a “cafeteria Catholic.” You know the type. The type who surveys all of the teachings of the Church and then picks and chooses which ones they would like to accept.

I’ll take a large helping of the Eucharist, a side of liturgical worship, and a sliver of Tradition, but please, none of that human sexuality stuff. I’m allergic.

At that point in my life, I claimed an “allergy” to something to which, like most post-Vatican II Catholics, I had never been exposed. I had a general idea what the Church taught, but I had never heard a good explanation of it, and I didn’t know of anyone who was living it. Eventually, however, I came across an articulate defense of the Church’s teachings on marriage and family. Immediately, I was sold.

Since accepting the Church’s beautiful teachings on human sexuality, I have felt compelled to share them with others. Given the current state of affairs in our culture, it is not hard to imagine the reception that my attempts receive. Occasionally, however, there have been people who have seemed to be willing to listen and discuss the Church’s teachings. Some of those have accepted and acted upon what they have learned. Some have not.

What I have found frustrating, however, is the fence-sitters. Those are the people who have listened, and even agreed that the Church’s teachings are beautiful and make sense. They have agreed that contraception has not lived up to the expectations that people had for it and that Humanae Vitae was prophetic. And then, they have continued to contracept.

Granted, their hesitation is most likely motivated by fear. They are afraid of a pregnancy and they think that natural family planning (NFP) doesn’t work. Or at least, they think that it won’t work for them. It doesn’t seem to matter if I show them scientific documentation of its effectiveness (near 98%, even higher in highly motivated couples using the most conservative rules). While most of these people have rejected the use of abortifacient contraceptives, they perceive that charting one’s cycle is a bit more complicated than using a barrier method. Having been an overwhelmed mom myself at times, I can appreciate their concerns. (Though I do find it ironic that the contraceptives that these people have chosen to use are considerably less effective than NFP.)

Occasionally, I have had friends suggest that since my husband and I desire more children, that it is not as big a step for us to use NFP, since if it doesn’t work to avoid a pregnancy, it doesn’t really matter to us. Certainly, we would like more children. In fact, we have been trying for nearly a year, but what they assume is that there has never been a time when we felt that it was probably necessary for us to avoid becoming pregnant. Therefore, they conclude that I am asking for a much bigger step of faith from them than I was ever willing to take myself. While I certainly cannot know the depth of another person’s concerns over something like this, it is not true that I have never been similarly challenged. Allow me to elaborate.

When my husband and I accepted the Church’s teaching on contraception and sterilization, we had his vasectomy reversed. Besides wanting to follow the Church’s teachings, we desired more children. Two months later, we were blessed with knowing that our third child was on the way. As we reached the sixth month of pregnancy, we moved overseas, and I was experiencing premature labor. Within a month of our arrival, Jacob came into the world ten weeks early and required nearly two months’ hospitalization. So here I was, in a strange country where I knew one other family, recovering from a caesarian section after yet another complicated pregnancy (all of them have required extended bed rest), trying to homeschool two children in the morning and visit my baby in the hospital in the afternoon. Jacob had additional difficulties with his health, and as a result, we visited the doctor at least once a week for a year. Add to all these things the fact that I experienced my first post-partum ovulation before Jacob even came home from the hospital, and “overwhelmed” just doesn’t cover it! Much as we wanted more children, we believed that this was probably not a good time for me to be pregnant again. As confident as we felt about the licitness of delaying another pregnancy, there was no way we were going to go back to the way things were before. I began to chart my fertility signs.

At that point, the extent of my NFP instruction was a tri-fold pamphlet that I had picked up in the church vestibule. It didn’t take me long to order the Couple to Couple League home study course! As time went by, I not only became more comfortable with understanding my fertility, but my appreciation for my marriage and my children grew, as well. I was pleasantly surprised at the changes that using NFP wrought in our home. So, when I face these fence-sitters, I speak from experience. And I am not speaking from the perspective of someone with a perfect life and a perfect 28-day cycle. I can appreciate the concerns of a mom who is feeling overwhelmed and thinks that it would probably not be the best time to be pregnant and who isn’t feeling terribly confident in her knowledge of NFP. But having also experienced the joys of accepting God’s will for my fertility, I want to encourage those dawdling in their application of the Church’s teaching to take the next step. Certainly, the Creator of the universe can be trusted. He knows what He’s doing, even if we don’t. Of course, to this, the fence-sitters nearly always agree. It’s the next step that seems so impossibly difficult. If they could only see through the secular “fog” that clouds their thinking, they would quickly realize that only a tiny step of faith is required. The “fog” makes it seem like a leap, but God has already taken the much larger step towards us. Our task is merely to take a tiny step towards Him, accepting (and implementing) His plan for our fertility and our families.



I know that my ability to cope with everything that happened in Jacob’s first year, from his repeated hospitalizations for everything from pneumonia to congestive heart failure, to my older son’s problems with autism, was purely a gift from God. I know that if I had insisted upon doing things my way rather than His, I would have shut myself off from the grace that God wanted to give me. God has called us to our vocations. He will enable us to do whatever He has called us to do, if we will only let Him, and what’s more, He wants to! Still, we are free. When we demand the freedom to do things the way we want, rather than being obedient to His will, He gives us that freedom. Unfortunately, living life without God’s direction also means living by our own power. All the supernatural grace that He would give us to live the life that He has called us to cannot be given to us when we choose our will over His. Call it tough love. One of my friends commented that it’s not that she doesn’t trust God, but that she doesn’t trust herself. As it should be! We shouldn’t trust to our own strength, knowledge, or power. But when we want to do it our way, that’s what we’re left with: our strength, our knowledge, our power. Essentially, when we leave God’s plan behind, we leave His grace behind, too. God wants us to recognize that we are not equal to the task so that we will return to Him.

I know, from personal experience, that what seems impossible, while not necessarily easy, is certainly possible with God’s grace. Whenever we say, “Not my will, but Thine be done,” He blesses us beyond comprehension. Yes, it is an act of faith. But it is also an act of will. So first we should pray: “Lord, I am so afraid. But even in my fear, I know that You have promised to see me through, and so I believe. Please help my unbelief.” And then — and this is the hard part for all of us — we need to take the next step and act on our faith. It’s time to get off the fence.



Stacey Johnson is a homeschooling mother to four wonderful children (so far). She and her husband Michael contributed their story to One More Soul titled Sterilization Reversal: A Generous Act of Love. This article first appeared in Canticle Magazine and is reprinted with permission of the author.

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