Hello. You’ve reached the Rineharts. Sorry we’re not available to take your call right now, but if you leave your name and number, there’s an off chance we’ll get back to you as soon as possible. That is, if no one moves the pad of paper and pen kept by the machine or no one listens to your message and erases it before it’s delivered to the proper person.
If you’re calling for Scott, you’re probably selling something, so please hang up immediately. Everyone else knows to reach him at his office. With two kids in braces, one of who eats like a dog with tapeworm, a mortgage, car payment and college tuition on the horizon, he keeps office hours accordingly.
To reach Karen, press star one. She’ll try to get back to you as soon as she’s done cleaning up after the dog, who was kind enough to leave a gift on the new carpet. However, chances are good she’s too busy trying to get her Christmas cards finished by the end of January, cooking dinner five minutes before the kids have to walk out the door for practice, torturing herself and her flabby triceps in Pilates class, scraping gum off the walls of the dryer drum or hiding out in her bathroom from bickering children.
To reach the resident teenage boy, press star two and mumble after the beep. He will take the cordless phone, lock himself in his room and call you back as soon as he is done eating, doing his homework, eating, practicing his golf shots in the front yard, eating, sitting in front of the computer, eating, tormenting his little sister and eating. If you forgot your Latin book and need to speak with him immediately, you’re better off just coming over. He’s pretty good about sharing his food.
Press star three for the resident horse freak. She’s sorry to have missed your call, but she’s busy mucking stalls at the barn in order to avoid cleaning her room here at home. She might also be rock climbing, preoccupied reading a good book, doing her homework, feeding the dog, checking her email, or eating an orthodontic-forbidden snack smack in the middle of her room that needs to be cleaned.
If this is the vet looking for Hank, he’s in the backyard barking at cats and wearing a path in the newly-seeded lawn. He promises to get that sample to you as soon as someone drives him over there.
If you’re looking for any of the dozen assorted neighborhood kids that might pass through our revolving door today, simply leave your message after the tone. We’ll try and deliver it, but we’re not promising anything — it’s all we can do to keep track of ourselves.
Thanks for calling and have a nice day.
Beeeeep.
Karen Rinehart is a magazine humor columnist, public speaker and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies, a newspaper. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
