I needed to travel from North Carolina to Ohio and I needed to do it yesterday. I found a “Last Minute $119 Bargain Fare” that cost me $189. I’d read the fine print, “plus applicable fees and taxes,” but was still sticker shocked when I clicked on “show final price.”
What did these “applicable fees and taxes” pay for? The privilege of having airport security see my Hanes Her Ways or spending $1.79 at an airport store for gum costing 89 cents back in the real world?
I got my answer at the airport gate.
“Good morning. We’ll now begin boarding Bargain Flight 0000 from Charlotte to Columbus. In case of a water landing, your seat cushions can be used as a flotation device. If you care for a seat cushion while traveling today, please place a quarter in the slot and firmly pull the cushion off the rack in the jetway.
“If you’re a frequent flyer member, there’ll be no extra charge for bringing your own meal on board. Nonmembers must pay a trash disposal fee of $32. To sign up for our frequent flyer program, simply complete a registration card in the noncomplimentary in-flight magazine, apply postage and mail.”
Knowing there were at least a couple lakes en route, I opted for the seat cushion and boarded the plane. “Excuse me sir, is this a full flight today?”
“How badly do you want to know?” I slipped him a buck. “Fully booked.”
I figured I’d make my bathroom run now, before I had to step over a seatmate. I paid a vending machine a dollar to lower the toilet seat and a nickel per square of toilet paper. I knew I should’ve heeded my mother’s advice to always carry tissues in my purse.
Back in my row, I waited for the inevitable sumo wrestler to sit next to me. The flight attendant maneuvered up aisle handing out price lists:
Headphones: $5As I debated the necessity of a seatbelt, the pilot announced we were clear for take off. I looked to my right and left, then at the last item on the list —
Functioning seatbelt: $15
Pretzels: $2
Ice in your water: $1
Coffee stir stick: 25 cents
Making me stop the mid-flight shift of carts in the rear galley which mimic the sound of the tail falling off: $72
Human Bobbleheads at flight’s end chanting, “Bye, thanks for flying! Bye, thanks for flying!”: $4 per head
Use of fold-down tray: $10
In-flight magazine with crossword puzzle completed: $3
In-flight magazine with untouched crossword puzzle: $6
Pillow: $2
Blanket: $ 4
Pillow/Blanket Bargain Combo: $8
Removing the screaming child from your vicinity: $100
An empty seat next to you: Priceless.
Karen Rinehart is a newspaper humor columnist, public speaker, and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies™. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan, and England.
