“Dad annoys me when he eats,” my teenage son remarked as we drove home one evening. “How so?” I asked.
“He breathes heavy when he takes a bite,” said my “refined” young man.
“Hmm.” I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye as he mimicked the man who leaves the house early every morning and works hard to put food in this teenager’s stomach.
With the honesty of youth, what he said is true. His father does breathe heavy when he eats. And it’s a personal endearment that I’ve come to listen for when I’m eating with him. Why do I take notice and accept this “annoyance”? Because I love my husband… annoyances and all.
I could have lectured at this ungrateful adolescent. In hindsight, I could have fussed and steamed at him for letting a minor observation about his father annoy him. That’s what we usually do with our children, especially teenagers. I’m glad I didn’t resort to that. I wouldn’t have gotten the answer I got, the answer I least expected, the answer that gave me a more generous, insightful view into my teenager’s heart and relationship with his father.
I decided to take the calm approach. “You know, the things that annoy you the most about someone are usually the things you miss the most about them when they’re gone,” I told my son quietly.
“Don’t say that,” my teenager retorted quickly.
“Why not?”
“Because… I’ll cry if I think of that.”
Teenagers are full of twists and turns, blacks and whites, love and hate. I think my son showed how typical it is for teenagers to have a love-hate relationship with their parents. They can respect us and despise us in the same breath.
My son and I know what he said is true and so typical of him. In one degree he will not like that I shared the above remark with others; I also know that, despite his cynical rendition of his father, he loves his father immensely. In spite of the fact that he thinks his father is too strict, he admires his father for the loyal father he is.
Though he complains that his father hasn’t taken him fishing or hunting in quite some time, his heart and mind knows that his father is always rooting on the sidelines of every ballgame.
Though indignant that his father cautions him on a daily basis to be ever vigilant and careful, he is aware that his father is the one who rides next to him while he learns to drive. It is his father teaching him the driving laws and safety rules that he’ll need to know upon taking his driver’s test.
I can excuse my son of his thoughtless remark because (besides his being a teenager) he has never had to sit in the same room with a replica of himself, watching himself eat a jumbo-sized bowl of cereal filled to the brim with milk. Now that’s something to listen to!
Yet, in watching my teenager eat a huge bowl of cereal, I find myself content and even prideful in watching the dynamics of his bulging eyes focus on a cartoon while his full-sized mouth, on a still developing gangly teenaged face, shovels a dripping tablespoon into it.
Why do I take notice, accept, and take pride in this “annoyance”? For one, because I am thankful for his health. I know growing boys eat a lot. I am grateful he is developing normally. But, when it comes down to it, I accept this teenager and his ways because I love him… annoyances and all.
I don’t care if my teenager rolls his eyes and comments irritably about things his father and I do that annoy him. Well, maybe not much. Aren’t teenagers supposed to do that? I only care that, when we’re gone, he remembers us fondly whenever he thinks of those “annoyances.” And, also, that he remembers us when he has to sit and listen to his own teenager sit and slurp a mega-size bowl of cereal and milk.
Teenagers see their whole life before them as a long, lasting stretch of road. And that is as it should be. I would not want to deny my teenager that notion. I wish I could gain back that image of life as a never-ending road. But I’ve come to a point, especially seeing my parents and in-laws age and grow sick, that I see where the road ends for us all and those things we found annoying as teenagers are no longer annoying to us. Those things we found irritating are things that we catch ourselves doing as adults. The times we criticized our parents are now times that we wish we could take back.
Annoyances are the things we remember. Annoyances are the things that families laugh about around the Thanksgiving turkey and the Christmas tree. “Yeah, remember how Uncle Louis spit tobacco juice in that old peach can!” “Yeah, remember how Papa always said it was Grandma snoring and not him.”
We remember those things and, for some strange, annoying reason, we miss them when they’re gone. We miss the people who contributed those annoyances because those annoyances were part and parcel of the package that made the whole person — the person we knew and loved in an intimate, whole-hearted way.
I like to think God looks at me the way I look at my teenage son. He sees me, as I truly am, yet looks upon me lovingly and with tolerance. Why? Because He loves me… annoyances and all.
Cay Gibson lives in Louisiana with her husband Mark and their five children. She is the author of Literature Alive! — A Booklover's Companion and operates a popular online library. Cay is the literature editor of the new Catholic home-educating magazine Heart and Mind and has been published in numerous parenting, educational and religious magazines. This article originally appeared in the Summer 2004 issue of Heart and Mind.
