Alienated Catholics Have More Fun

Doesn’t it seem like alienated Catholics have more fun? The “traditionalists” who are sure that the past however many popes have derailed the Church get those wonderful liturgies with all that lace, Latin chant and incense. They also get the pleasure of moral and doctrinal superiority.



Those “progressives” that won’t be happy until the Church emulates all the ways and values of the dying world get to…well, they get to do all kinds of fun-looking things observant Catholics don’t. They also get the recognition of the New York Times and the Democratic National Convention, not to mention NARAL.

Honestly, though, it is not too late for any of us to join the alienated throngs. To help you in your efforts to be better than the Church, I offer Gotcher’s “Seven Easy Ways to Alienate Oneself from the Roman Catholic Church (especially for those who want to be more Catholic than the pope, but also for those who want the Church to become like the world).”™ These are not “steps,” but rather tactical components of an overall strategy. The more of these tactics that you follow and the deeper you enter into their spirit, the more likely you will be to accomplish your goal of alienating yourself from the Church of Christ.

1. Fixate upon and attach yourself to a secondary, non-essential aspect or expression of Church life (e.g. altar rails, voting for parish council members). Then have some legitimate authority in the Church change or remove said item. It is very helpful to interpret the change as a betrayal of The One True Faith. The more of these you can become attached to, the more likely you will be to be alienated at some point or another.

2. Identify a person of authority in the Church with God. Then make sure he does something stupid or sinful. It is very helpful if the stupidity or sinfulness involves you directly in some way, or makes the front page of the Boston Globe for several months.

3. On your own authority, elevate a widely held theological opinion on an open question to an infallible dogma of the Church. Then have the theological winds change. The more scorn you can get the proponents of the new view to heap upon your opinion and those who promoted it, the more deeply felt your alienation can become. It is also very helpful to get the Magisterium to favor the opposite opinion over yours.

4. Be so certain about the absolute truth of your opinion about a matter of prudential judgment that when the Church authorities express a different opinion, you can feel either betrayed and/or superior. When this happens, make as much hay out of the type of Church pronouncement in which Church leaders express their opinion and its relatively low level of authority. A thorough knowledge of the types of Church documents (which you conveniently “forgot” in the previous item) is very helpful.

5. Identify the thought of a certain cultural movement or political party with Revelation (e.g. The Democratic Party platform, the Republican Party platform). Demonize those who are members of an opposing movement or party. Then make sure that a lot of Catholics are members of that opposing movement or party. It is very helpful when the Church authority uses language that corresponds to some of the fundamental principles of the movement or party or condemns some fundamental principles of your own movement or party.

6. Gain all your knowledge of the Church and opinions about her doings from the secular press (e.g. New York Times, National Review).

7. The most effective technique is to reject a clear teaching of the Church (e.g. birth control, organized labor). One good strategy here is to believe and promote the idea that your ideas and the ideas of those of whom you approve are more “in line with the Gospel” than the Church’s position. Assure all hearers that the Church is going to catch up with you at some time. Then, make sure the Magisterium reasserts repeatedly and vigorously the teaching in question. Oh, and if an ecumenical council reiterates the teaching, make sure and emphasize that the council was “pastoral.”

I am not pretending that this list of strategies is comprehensive, but they are sufficient for beginners. More detailed and in-depth description of strategies for the advanced can be found in any good history of heresy in the Church, or in books like Ronald Knox’s magisterial Enthusiasm or G.K. Chesterton’s Heretics. Or just kick around the Internet for a while. You’ll be sure to find a site that specializes in the above strategies.

© Copyright 2006 Catholic Exchange

Robert F. Gotcher, Ph.D., sfo is the Associate Professor of Systematic Studies (Theology) at Sacred Heart School of Theology for second-career vocations.

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