“Sure, I lost a pile in my 401(k) — I was unable to sleep for weeks. But now I have the perfect investment strategy.”
“Please explain.”
“I never had much luck investing my dough. During the Clinton years I thought I’d made a fortune in technology stocks — until the bubble burst.”
“Those are the breaks.”
“After the tech-stock bubble burst and 9/11 hit, I figured I’d get rich in the housing market. Everybody else was.”
“But of course.”
“I don’t mean to brag, but I became so respected as an investor, mortgage brokers stopped asking me if I had an income or decent credit. They didn’t even send out appraisers to look over the properties I wanted to buy.”
“There were millions of respected investors just like you.”
“Well, I was riding high once again. My investments were booming. I was just getting ready to sell off all my properties and cash in when –”
“The housing bubble burst.”
“How’d you guess? Everything flipped around. I ended up owing way more on my properties than I could sell them for.”
“So you stopped paying the mortgage payments.”
“You’re good, pal. Well, after I went belly up on my properties, I was pretty down. At least I still had my job and my 401(k) was hanging in there. And then –”
“The stock market crashed.”
“That’s right. My 401(k) tanked and my company laid me off. Things were looking dire. That is when I latched on to the perfect investment strategy. I took my last few dollars and invested in an oil company.”
“An interesting investment strategy. Oil is down for the moment but its long-term prospects are solid. How much did you invest?”
“About a half of a tank. My next investment was in another commodity: aluminum.”
“Excellent strategy. Aluminum is trading low at the moment, but it will recover over the long term. How many shares did you buy?”
“I bought one aluminum bat. I then decided to move into agricultural products: pork, dairy and so on.”
“Very good choice. Even if our downturn is severe, people still need to eat. How many stocks did you buy?”
“I bought a pound of ham, a half-pound of Swiss, a loaf of rye and a couple of tomatoes. I did so just in time, too — the prices soared just after I made my purchase.”
“Timing is everything in the investment business.”
“I next decided to invest in the spirits industry. I invested in a fine cognac producer.”
“I like it a lot. I’m willing to bet that dire economic circumstances will cause more people to consume alcoholic beverages. But why cognac?”
“Well, cognac is produced in France. Who knows more about big governments, dire economic conditions and high unemployment than the French?”
“Ingenious. So how are your investments working out?”
“Not bad. I analyze them carefully every night. I use my agricultural investments to make a nice fat ham, Swiss and tomato sandwich — I enjoy it like it’s my last meal, and it may be. I down it with several gulps of my investment in the spirits industry.”
“You gulp cognac!”
“It helps me forget about the government morons who kicked off the housing bubble by lowering lending standards; the greedy Wall Street morons who overexposed their now-defunct firms for millions in short-term bonuses; and the dumb investors like me who thought the boom times would never end.”
“What about your investment in aluminum?”
“I use my bat to crush every television set I come across. I’ve had enough of the yapper class complaining about how bad things are. Can you imagine how much worse the Depression would have been if these birds had been on the air 24/7?”
“I must admit there are many sound fundamentals in your new investment strategy.”
“You got that right. I’ve been sleeping like a baby for weeks!”
