What made matters even more difficult was that we were entering my busy season, so I knew I wasn't going to get the kind of time I needed with my kids to re-cement our rapport for at least a couple of weeks. Even so, I didn't feel right leaving things the way they were. No, the kids weren't staging a revolution and no, neither I nor my wife were beginning to think longingly about running away from home. Nevertheless, as the indefatigable Miss Clavel of the Madeline books would say, “Somezing vas not rhite.”
I needed a short, sweet solution that would not take a lot of time or energy but would get things going in the right direction again. In other words, it was time for the “emotional piggy bank” technique.
The Emotional Bank Account
It has become popular in certain circles to speak of relationships as “emotional bank accounts.” Any time we express affection, give a compliment, do something thoughtful or the like, we make a “deposit” into the emotional bank account we share with the other person. Likewise, anytime we criticize, complain, argue with, or ask another person to change something about themselves, we make “withdrawals” from the account.
Of course, it is absolutely appropriate to make withdrawals from the emotional bank account — that's what the money is there for after all — but as with real bank accounts, we must always make certain that deposits exceed withdrawals, otherwise we will overextend our credit and lose credibility in the eyes of the other person.
And that pretty much sums up the situation between me and the kids. In the weeks preceding, I had been feeling like I and my children — less so my wife, who really is my better half — had been spending our emotional currency less than wisely, and even though we had not zeroed out our balance yet, I could imagine a day in the future when this might happen. A day in the future when my children would be climbing a clock tower with weapons strapped to their back, shouting, “It's all because our dad wasn't perfect….”
In discussing the situation with my wife, we decided that we should do something concrete that would help us all understand the importance of making more deposits in the family's emotional bank account in the coming weeks, which brings us back to the emotional piggy bank.
Over lunch that Sunday afternoon, we asked our kids to imagine that their relationships with us and each other were like piggy banks. Each time we were loving, thoughtful, and respectful toward one another, it was like putting money in the piggy bank. Likewise, each time we complained, disagreed, ignored each other, were argumentative or disrespectful to one another, or were critical in any way, it was like taking money out of the piggy bank. I explained that I felt my piggy bank was getting low and I didn't want to run out of “money” with them. They agreed, saying that they felt the same about their relationship with me. So, over the next few weeks, here's what we decided to do.
We put one hundred pennies in a bowl on the kitchen table. This represented our family's “emotional piggy bank.” We also kept a cup with more pennies next to the bowl. Anytime any one of us felt good about the way the family members were treating each other, we were to take some pennies — however many we wanted — out of the cup and make an actual deposit into the bowl, the family piggy bank. We could do this at any time, for any reason, and for any amount we thought was appropriate.
In the same way, if we ever felt badly about the way any members of the family were treating us, or each other, we could withdraw money from the bowl (and put it in the cup). Again, anyone could do this — parents and children — at any time, for any reason. The only rule was that if money was taken out of the bowl, we would all have to stop for a minute, figure out what was going wrong, and talk about ways we could work together to get the money back into the bowl.
The Emotional Roller Coaster
I feel it is important to explain to you, as I explained to the kids, that the emotional piggy bank was not intended to be used as a punishment for bad behavior. It had nothing at all to do with the usual system of rewards and consequences Lisa and I consistently enforce. Rather, the piggy bank was to serve as a kind of barometer for how the family felt about each other from one minute to the next and from one day to the next. I wanted to increase my and the children's sensitivity to each other's feelings, and I hoped that doing something this concrete would help even our five year-old understand how the things that one person does affect every other member of the family for better or worse.
It worked even better than I expected. For the first few days, we consistently put more money in the bowl than we took out. We were all more sensitized to our own behavior toward each other and went out of our way to be kinder. As silly as it seems, we all, even the adults, were pleased to hear the sound of pennies being deposited into the bowl as someone was thoughtful or loving in some way.
And then it happened.
I was reviewing the kids' piano lessons and it was not going well. Their music class was later that day and they couldn't tell a half-note from a hammer. In fact, the more I tried to talk them through the lesson, the more frustrated I became. I ended up yelling at them and taking money out of the bowl because I felt they were being inattentive and stubborn. They then took money out of the bowl because they thought I was being too hard on them.
My daughter started crying, my son was pouting, and I was fuming. My wife walked into the middle of this and, feeling fed up with the lot of us, took a fistful of pennies out of the bowl. Even though it didn't directly involve her, she was absolutely right to do this since, as we had said earlier, everything that anyone does in the family affects everyone else. Clearly, we needed to do some serious talking.
After taking some time in our separate corners to cool down, we were able to process exactly why things had gone so badly and come up with five specific things we could all do to fix the problem, as well as make sure it never happened again. Because it is not the point of this article to tell you how the Popcaks are going to structure music practice in the future, I will spare you the details of our solutions, but there is a bigger point to be made here that I would be happy to share with you.
Accountability is the Key
I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that we would not come up with any solution — much less a good one, as we did that day — were it not for the pennies disappearing from that jar. Without it, I would most likely have written off my kids as being obstinate, thoughtless, and irresponsible, my children would have written me off as being overly critical and demanding, and my wife would have been left feeling like she couldn't trust us to do anything without her standing over us making sure it went well. In short, it would have been a mess, but each one of us would have felt too self-righteous to do our part in cleaning it up.
As it was though, the pennies made us accountable; first to ourselves (“What was my part in creating this mess?”), and then to each other (“What do I need to do to make this right and make sure it doesn't happen again?”). Because of this, we were not only able to go on and have a great day, but we were able to make some important changes in a routine that was simply not working for us anymore.
I share this with you because I regularly get calls from parents who are looking for ways to increase their family's sense of solidarity, their sensitivity to one another, and their responsibilities toward one another. Even though, generally speaking, I am consistently impressed by the thoughtfulness and obedience of my children, and the closeness that we as a family share, I can honestly say that this simple act of moving pennies in and out of a bowl made everyone more aware both of their own behavior, and how that same behavior affected everyone else, even when it was not directed at anyone in particular. I could have talked to my children about this until I passed out from a lack of oxygen and I don't think I would have gotten near the level of understanding I was able to get in a matter of days by doing this little experiment, especially from our five year-old.
Incidentally, I am pleased to report that in the weeks following the “regrettable piano incident,” we have managed to fill our bowl to overflowing, not by doing anything grand, but just by being aware and taking care.
It is my hope that if you are struggling to find some ways in the New Year that you can increase your family's sensitivity and awareness of one another that this simple technique will be a similar boon to you. Wouldn't it be wonderful if all that stood between you and the ideal family you wish you could be, was a bowl of pocket change?
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