(This article courtesy of Canticle Magazine, the Voice of Today's Catholic Woman.)
Women, children, and the community all are being strengthened by the new bonds of understanding, respect, and love formed by these “intentional” friendships. When team members talk about making the commitment to create loving relationship where no natural ties exist, one is reminded of the story of Ruth and Naomi in the Bible. Mother-to-Mother friendships, like Ruth’s poignant offering of devoted companionship to Naomi, teach us that love is a choice and friendship a precious gift.
That women have a unique capacity to offer themselves in relationship is no surprise. What may seem surprising about Mother-to-Mother friendships, in our tit-for-tat, pay-as-you-go culture, is that some women are giving out of their abundance, while others are giving out of relative neediness. The model of teaming two support moms with a partner mom was designed by Norman Ellington, a Disciples of Christ minister. Responding to the deep-seated racial division in Saint Louis in 1969, Ellington sought to restore community in the place where all human community has its roots: in the hearts of mothers. In the years since the first of these ecumenical coalitions were formed, 42 Mother-to-Mother chapters have sprung up across the country, and headquarters has moved to Indianapolis.
Sister Barbara Wieseler administers the Lawrence, Kansas chapter through Catholic Charities, overseeing fifty teams of mothers and coordinating the contributions of volunteers and a resource council of ethnic, church, and social service representatives. In the six years since its opening, Sister Barbara has seen the Lawrence chapter grow into one of the larger and more active chapters.
She and a part-time assistant are kept busy attending to the structural details that make the ministry possible. Like a mother busy with a thousand details to make the home run smoothly for her family, Sister Barbara is the wise and joyful mother-force behind her chapter's success. Making just the right matches; scheduling programs and classes for the mothers' entertainment and education; choosing activities to engage the children's attention; tending personally to misunderstandings and sore spots; and keeping her finger on the pulse of needs and service providers in the community — in all this she is dedicated as only a mother could be to providing for the health of the families who need Mother-to-Mother.
Sister Barbara reviews all applications, then makes the special matches that will launch one new team and several new friendships. Most important of all her qualifications for a support mom (who does have more adequate resources) is an attitude of humble receptivity — an awareness that she is about to receive from a new friend (the partner mom) the gift of self, which may be the only treasure she has to give.
A support mom should be non-judgmental, not expecting to impose her “shoulds” on her partner or intending to “fix” her life. She will be invited to a brief training session where Sister Barbara will teach about relationship-building, listening skills, and the power of the poor to transform us. She will commit to meeting with her partner and with her team several times a month.
Farrell and Carol, two support moms, both took the first step a little nervously and were matched with Savannah, a young single mother. All three now sing each other's praises and anticipate a long-term friendship. Farrell's son Henry is a natural buddy for Savannah's toddler Joseph. Carol's own experience as a single mom stretching a dollar gives her a special empathy and an extra way she can offer help.
“I felt honored to be asked to help Savannah with her budget. It implied such a deep level of trust, and it reminded me to ask for help when I need it.” Farrell and Savannah are exploring local parks with the boys, and all three look forward to attending Mother-to-Mother sponsored classes and events together. “Parenting with Love and Logic,” “Decorating on a Budget,” “Laughercize” — Sister Barbara's always thinking of programs they'll enjoy. Especially popular are the “Antiques Road Show,” “Christmas Crafts,” and “Haircuts for Moms” events.
Savannah was referred to Mother-to-Mother by a therapist at the mental health center where she was receiving help for panic attacks. The ideal partner mom, she offered her needs as an open door to relationship, and her teachable spirit as an invitation to investment in the welfare of a resilient young woman.
She and Farrell found out over their first lunch at McDonald's that they had much more in common than motherhood. Right away, Savannah also established a deep and trusting connection with Carol. Imagine her joy and amazement as her crippling anxiety began to disappear. Brimming with newfound confidence and buoyed by Sister Barbara's faith in her, Savannah found the courage to give a testimony of her experience to the board of directors. She may earn a few college credits next fall, and was even able to end a very negative relationship. Savannah credits Mother-to-Mother with her freedom to consider such options. There is no question in her mind, or in Farrell's or Carol's, that this friendship has enriched their lives immensely.
What lessons do they have to teach us all about the gift of friendship? None of the women speaks in abstract terms, but in the practical voices of concrete experience. “I have to be conscious to follow up on things we talk about doing, take the time to call, think of activities we can share.” “You have to let it happen, not try to dictate how it will go, or force confidences.” “We opened a memento box and shared all the stories behind the keepsakes.” “We usually spend more than the minimum time together — we just really enjoy being together.” “I journal about our times together after each visit.” “Intentional friendship is really more meaningful than some natural friendships because you're all choosing to trust, to work on it, to stay committed.” “You both need to be engaged. It takes work, but it's worth it.” “Don't take it for granted.”
It is tempting to turn away from neediness in ourselves and others; to fear vulnerability when our hearts are wounded or impoverished; to survive and not risk thriving. If, with Ruth, Naomi, Savannah, Farrell and Carol, we can say, “I will dwell with you and share my life with you and build you up in love and honor,” then we will have taken a step toward wholeness and healing. The love of a woman has a special grace to transform the lives of her friends and family. Mother-to-Mother is drawing on this grace to transform communities.
For more information about chapters near you, call the National Coordinating Office: 317.635.3100. Mrs. Ostermann writes from Kansas.
