The error came to light when we made an appointment with one of the priests to bless our marriage. We were handed a form to fill out first. One of the questions on the form read “please list any previous marriages and annulments.” We didn’t know what to do; I had been married before and the marriage was never annulled. We quickly made an appointment with our parish priest.
My husband and I are both adult converts to the Catholic Church. At the time of our inquiry into the faith we had been assigned a temporary lay instructor for our RCIA program. We had not been asked to list any previous marriages on any of the paperwork that we had been given. Apparently not all the proper forms had been given to us. It seems we had slipped through the system. It was an innocent mistake for all.
It was Friday evening when our associate pastor asked us to meet him at the rectory. He had been ordained only two months and seemed nervous.
He had never worked on an annulment before and this case was a very unusual one. He explained that he had made several phone calls earlier to make absolutely certain of what he was about to tell us. We sat there in silence as he proceeded to explain to us why our current marriage was invalid and should have been declared so when we both came into the Church in 1997. He apologized on behalf of the Church for this serious oversight.
He told us that he had read my file and did not see any reason why the annulment of my first attempted marriage would not be successful; however our present marriage was still considered invalid to the Church. (I was married the first time about eleven years ago by a Justice of the Peace. The marriage lasted about a year and produced one child. Neither of us were Catholic I had not been baptized at all and he was baptized a Methodist.) From this point, until and unless an annulment was granted, my husband and I were not to enter into conjugal relations.
The annulment process could take up to a year and a half. In our case the tribunal would do all they could to complete it in a year’s time. But in the meantime we were to live together as brother and sister. Quite a change after almost ten years of what we thought was a valid marriage. We could only receive the sacraments as long as we lived accordingly. We sat there wide-eyed, not knowing how to respond to such news.
Would we obey Holy Mother Church or would we follow our own will? We had a very important decision to make. We would need some time to pray and talk over the matter. We told him that we would call the following morning with our decision.
On the one hand it all seemed so legalistic and petty. After all it was partially their mistake. Why should our lives change because of paperwork problems beyond our control or even knowledge? It didn’t seem fair. We knew that we had not previously been committing mortal sin by taking the sacraments. As Father himself pointed out, we were innocent in the matter, and for an act to qualify as being a mortal sin, there had to be the intent as well as grave matter. The only thing that had changed was our knowledge.
It was like Plato’s theory of the cave. We had come out of the darkness of our own ignorance and were now exposed to the light of God’s truth. Any decision to ignore the authority of the Church would be an act of defiance and we knew it. So it came back to authority, but that was where it all began for us.
The issue of authority had been one of the most convincing points for us in the beginning of our own conversion experience. To have found the Church that would actually tell us not only when we were right but more importantly when we were wrong this is a one-of-a-kind beacon of light in a world filled with darkness. We were overjoyed. We had an order to our lives and peace of mind that we had never known before.
Now we were being challenged with that same issue of obedience. This time, however, our Lord was asking us for our submission to Him in a matter that would impact our lives in an unbelievable way. What choice did we really have? Just as Peter so accurately points out “Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life” (Jn 6: 67-69) we knew there was nowhere else. Only the Catholic Church has the truth whole and uncensored.
We argued a lot that night trying to come to grips with our duty. The central point that we could not escape was that of authority and obedience. The Church was unwavering in her presentation of the truth. We knew we must submit to her authority. We knew all too well what it was like to live by our own will.
Late that night in prayer I asked my Lord for understanding. It was clear He wanted this, but why?
When my husband and I first met we dated very briefly before deciding to become intimately involved. I hadn’t thought much about this and neither had he. We weren’t brought up to question whether or not something was good and pleasing in the eyes of God. We did whatever we decided we wanted without any point of reference outside ourselves to check our decisions against. We never asked the question, “Is this morally right?” Morality was a movable feast. I had no faith to fall back on and neither did he.
When I was baptized into those cleansing waters I prayed that there would also be a renewal in our married life. I wanted our relationship, which had been stained by impurity, to be purified. I wished that things had been different for us. I knew of course that we didn’t know then what we know now, but I wanted so much for him to be the only man that I had ever been that close with.
What I really wanted was my virginity back. I wanted it back so that I might give it to him as a treasured gift that I had saved for him alone. I had my answer. I knew what we could do with this challenge God had given us. We have four children now. We would offer up all of the suffering for our children’s own purity. We would pray that they would bring their chastity into the vocation that He had chosen for them from the beginning of time. Our sacrificial obedience would become a priceless investment in them.
We also realized that through this trial we might come to really know one another in a way we had never before been able. It would be a time of purification and perhaps we might experience the blessing of a renewed marriage covenant. It would be like springtime in our own relationship. What a blessing! And all we had to do was submit to His authority. We recalled these words from our Lord: “Blessed are the clean of heart, for they will see God” (Mt 5:8).
Although we are only in the beginning of our trial and we have often felt the ache of temptation, we have also begun to see the first fruits of our obedience. We now enjoy a richer prayer life than we had experienced in the past. This gift came by bringing our suffering to the Lord in prayer.
We attend Eucharistic adoration and try to bring our children with us when possible. I can feel His presence in our daily life. Truly, we have been blessed by this act of submission to our Lord. I know that it will be through this challenge and many more that He will carve eternal beauty into our souls. With our cooperation the Lord will prepare us to meet with Him face to face.
(This article is reprinted with permission from Canticle Magazine.)