The greatest marriages always put God first, spouse second, and children third. But through the years, that order is quickly reversed. Children become the priority as schooling and sports take over. As a result, family dinner and prayer become even more difficult to maintain.
Many couples slowly drift away like two boats that were once anchored in the port of God’s love and mercy. One is drifting across the Atlantic while the other is out in the Pacific. Two worlds apart, sailing further away, with a potential divorce on the horizon. Gone are the honeymoon days and the romance that was so present before children, unless a couple fights to protect their date nights.
I remember those romantic days like yesterday. It was over twelve years ago when my wife and I got married at a small, country parish in Wisconsin. Every night was a date night before God blessed us with children. I can still see my wife laboring for a few hours to make my favorite meal after coming home from work. I remember going for walks almost every night at a different park, followed by a milkshake. Once our first child, Jude, was born, everything revolved around him. The walks continued, but the time as a couple was not there. Work demands became more intense, and finances were tighter. For several years, I spent the evenings writing books—my second job.
I remember my wife confronting me at one time. I felt like I was working my tail off to provide for our family so we could make ends meet. But deep down, she felt abandoned by me. I didn’t do it on purpose to hurt her. No, I did it because I thought providing for her was one of the clearest ways to show my love.
But my wife wanted so much more than a decent place to live or money to buy her organic food. No, she wanted me to take her into my heart. She wanted to be the top priority of our marriage after God—not my work, not our kids.
In their newly released book by Sophia Institute Press, The Marriage Gap: How to Understand and Communicate, and Meet Your Spouse’s 4 Deepest Needs, Devin and Kim Schadt discuss, among other things, six reasons for couples drifting apart. One of those reasons is when we men do not make our marriage and our wife our main priority. Consequently, as the Schadts say, “Many, many women feel that their husband’s hobbies, job, phone, friends, and projects are more important than her” (157). The Schadts are not basing these observations on their marriage alone; they interviewed many Catholic couples.
It is no secret that marriage is under attack; it has been under attack since Adam and Eve, and it will be under attack until the final couple. Why? It is because marriage was instituted by God to reflect His eternal exchange of love and self-gift. And as we know, the devil hates marriage and will do everything to destroy it. For most couples, it is not destroyed overnight but through years of drifting.
In my own research for writing on marriage, Courtship of the Saints: How the Saints Met Their Spouses, the Catholic Church sets before us many holy couples who loved each other—I dare say, madly. The reason for their love was because they loved Jesus in the Holy Eucharist with the greatest passion. They also made time for dates and romance.
And so, the following are some fun date ideas to bring your relationship back to the early days of your marriage, when you could not stand to be away from your spouse, and when a kiss was a really big deal.
Before I list some fun date ideas, the Schadts suggest keeping a consistent date night each week. It should be at the same time and same place if possible. For this article, I am recommending fun ideas for a weekly date night in the home. It is also advised that once a month, a couple go outside of the home for a date. We have been blessed to find an older lady from our parish who loves to watch our children since we have no family close by. You could also consider trading off with a close Catholic friend who has small children, too, if you want to save money. Try to focus on positive things that bring you life (your faith, your children, your joys) and not talk about all the things that can bring you down, like your budget and your worries.
Date Idea #1: Watch a clean, solid movie. My wife and I have recently gotten into watching old John Wayne films for free on YouTube. Formed has some great Catholic movies, too. Often, many libraries have free DVDs. It is also not advised to watch a movie every weekly night, as conversations are restricted.
Date Idea #2: Read a book to each other. The Marriage Gap is a book I highly recommend. My wife and I read this over the course of our date nights—not the whole date night, but parts of it—and then we discussed it. The dialogue between Devin and his wife will make you laugh and then cry! We loved it so much that we are reading it again. Saints Louis and Zélie Martin read to each other.
Date Idea #3: Dance to music, especially some slow music. Dance like it is your first dance at your wedding because you never know when it will be your last dance. Put on Pandora’s 80s love songs if you want some great tunes.
Date Idea #4: Consummate your vows and then hold your wife and just talk. Make sure the kids are asleep. As the years go by, physical intimacy tends to wane. Make it a priority. Perhaps this date idea should be listed twice to reiterate its importance. Can you imagine if a priest only celebrated Mass once a month?
Date Idea #5: Paint a watercolor image and share your artwork. It’s probably best to work separately so that the date night does not lead to friction.
Date Idea #6: Enjoy some ice cream and just sit on the couch, perhaps with some soft music in the background.
Date Idea #7: Sit out on your porch and talk about your dreams over some hot tea or a fruity drink, depending on the season.
Date Idea #8: Write down a hundred questions you want to ask your spouse and see if you can guess their responses.
Date Idea #9: Play a board game together. Sequence is one of our favorites. It doesn’t have to be an intense game.
Date Idea #10: Have a small bonfire in your backyard as you sip some wine and gaze at the stars.
A holy marriage is worth fighting for, and it begins by prioritizing it. One day, the kids will grow up. Now is the time to have the best Catholic marriage ever.
Author’s Note: For a more comprehensive framework for building, or rebuilding, intimacy, joy, and fulfillment in your marriage, check out The Marriage Gap: How to Understand, Communicate, and Meet Your Spouse’s Four Deepest Needs by Kim and Devin Schadt, available from Sophia Institute Press.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
