My wife once heard some excellent advice: look for men who want to be husbands, not for men who just want wives.
Having a wife is tremendous. She provides encouragement and emotional support. She turns a house into a home. She is a companion to share your interests and struggles with, and she’s a key part to starting your own family. It’s no surprise then that the great majority of single men hope to get married. This is especially true now given the increased reporting of loneliness and social isolation among men.
But a man who desires to be married shouldn’t “just” want a wife. He must want to be a husband as well.
The key word there is “want.” It is not enough for a man to realize that it is just for him to be a husband in order to obtain a wife. He must want to be a husband. He must look at the Cross, see how Our Lord gave Himself for His bride the Church, and think “I want to imitate Him.” Meanwhile, the man who wants a wife has his attention focused entirely on the benefits that a wife will provide him, instead of what he wants to give to her.
When looking at what the Church says on marriage, there is a repeated emphasis on the Cross. St. Pope John Paul II wrote that “marriage sets the couple on a path where they will encounter the cross.” Pope Leo XIII specifies that a husband and wife must “give one another an unfailing and unselfish help.”
This sacrifice isn’t to be limited. When looking to the Cross, we don’t see a partial or limited sacrifice, we see an overwhelming and unlimited one. We also see a sacrifice that was full of love to a bride that is sometimes less than stellar in return. St. John Chrysostom points this out in his writings on marriage, teaching that a husband should continue to devote himself to his wife even if she doesn’t do the same. He reminds us that Christ’s bride has not earned the love He offers, and yet He gives it anyway, always ready to forgive, always providing, always devoted. A husband ought to do the same, because he truly loves his wife.
This talk of sacrifice must also be grounded in the reality that people are unique. If a man feels called to marriage, it’s still not enough to want to be a husband, he must want to be a husband to his wife in particular. Contrary to what a lot of dating culture (especially some dating apps) might imply, he shouldn’t be on the lookout for a woman who checks off all the requirements on his list, who’s “good enough” to marry. He needs to look for the woman he loves so intensely that he will happily sacrifice for her.
When a man becomes a husband, he becomes someone’s husband. He’s not a husband in general, but solely and completely to his wife. His life is committed to her, and she becomes irreplaceable to him.
This is an important point that both people need to consider when discerning marriage. Men, is this the woman you would gladly sacrifice your remaining days for, no matter how demanding that might be? In the event that the circumstances demanded it, would you give up a hobby and free time for her, not just because she needs you to, but because you really want to?
Women, is this man someone who you could see doing that for you? Is he someone who is more than happy to be your husband, no matter the sacrifices that might entail? Is his desire to be a husband focused on you in particular, not just in the abstract? Is he someone who will spend more time working if the family needs it, or less time working (and more time with family) if it’s for the good of the family?
Of course this discernment should be flipped the other way around as well, and both should additionally consider if this is someone who should be the parent of their own children.
Women seeking marriage must be sure to look for a man who really wants to be a husband. There has never been a shortage of horror stories of abusive, infantile, or just extremely lazy men who married primarily out of loneliness, convenience, or lust. In the encyclical Casti Connubii, Pope Pius XI emphasized the importance of choosing a partner in marriage, for it “depends a great deal whether the forthcoming marriage will be happy or not, since one may be to the other either a great help in leading a Christian life, or, a great danger and hindrance.” He adds that their discernment must be based in “a true and noble love and by a sincere affection for the future partner.”
Earlier in the same encyclical, he also emphasizes preparation, since “the basis of a happy wedlock, and the ruin of an unhappy one, is prepared and set in the souls of boys and girls during the period of childhood and adolescence.” He says those who indulge in impure desires before marriage without working to overcome them “will find themselves left alone with their own unconquered passions.”
This means that men who want to be husbands will be pursuing improvement and attempting to root out their ties to sin (especially lust!). They will be, to the extent that they are able, working on developing skills so that they can provide, caring for their own health, devoting time to prayer, and setting aside appropriate time for hobbies. They may not have mastered all of these, or even one of these, but they will be struggling towards holiness as best they can.
Women, do not merely look for a man who wants a wife. Look for a man who wants to be your husband.
Photo by Dmitry Rodionov on Unsplash
