Gossip. It is everywhere in our culture. From 24/7 news to social media to our own conversations, we are inundated with temptations to gossip. It is in our fallen human nature, especially of women, to talk about other people. There are entire friend groups formed around gossip. We often engage in gossip because of perceived or real grievances against us and others, or because we want to fit in. This sin is very difficult to overcome, and the social situations we find ourselves in that expose us to gossip are numerous. It can be very difficult to extricate ourselves from these situations, even when we know we should. When we are hurting from the real sins of others, it can be very difficult to walk the line between seeking spiritual counsel from trusted friends and gossip. No matter the cause, gossip is destructive for our souls and the souls of others. It’s a sin we need God’s grace to overcome.
There are saints who struggled with gossip. St. Teresa of Avila recounts in her spiritual autobiography, The Life of St. Teresa of Avila, how prone she was to idle chatter and gossip. She was attracted to relationships that focused on frivolous topics and the latest gossip. St. Teresa warns:
If parents were to ask me for advice, I would tell them to take great care what people their children consort with at this age. For great harm comes of bad company, since we are inclined by nature to follow the worse rather than the better. So it was with me. I had a sister many years older than I, from whose modesty and goodness—of which she had plenty—I learnt nothing, whereas from a relative who often visited us I learnt every kind of evil. Her conversation was so frivolous that my mother had tried her hardest to prevent her coming to the house. She seems to have realized what harm this person might do me. But there were so many pretexts for these visits that my mother was powerless. I loved the company of this person. I often talked and gossiped with her, for she helped me get all the amusements I was so fond of, and own pastimes. Until I knew her, and I was then a little more than fourteen—I meant until we became friends and she took me into her confidence—I do not believe that I had ever turned away from God in mortal sin, or lost my fear of Him.
There are multiple observations about human nature that St. Teresa offers to us as a lesson. First, she points out the dangers of bad company, especially at an impressionable age. It is very difficult for teenagers in our culture to go against the stream. They like to pretend that they are rebels, but the truth is, most teenagers desire to fit in above all else. One bad friend can lead our children astray in a myriad of ways. Teenage girls are particular brutal towards one another in their gossip and character assassination of one another. I remember those years well, and I have witness this destructive tendency in the teenage girls I know. I’ve had to repeatedly reprimand my own daughter when she falls into this temptation. This is why we should be very aware of the company our teenagers are keeping.
If we start seeing sinful and destructive tendencies towards gossip in our children’s friends we should be prudently discerning if the relationship is good for them or not. Sometimes a conversation with a parent can resolve the issue. Other times, it becomes clear that this sin is being learned within the family, and the relationship isn’t good for our child. At that point, we have to help them navigate distancing or cutting off these relationships.
Second, she rightly points out that as fallen human beings we are attracted to the worse than the better. This is clearly on display in our relationships with one another and the extremes that have erupted online. If our relationships were focused on and grounded in Christ, we would be capable of great light in the darkness of our times. Instead, we seem to relish fighting, division, judgment, and gossip. When we find ourselves in the company of gossip, it is very difficult to avoid participating. We may not even realize until later that we were gossiping. I have struggled with gossip for a long time. I often point out that women are prone to character assassination and gossip due to our social nature. We need to recognize this sinful tendency on our part in order to progress in holiness. We have to be very careful in discerning when we are sharing a problem we are having with someone in order to find a charitable and Christ-centered solution or when we are venting because we are angry and hurt. This sin should probably be on most women’s confession lists unless we’ve made a concerted effort by God’s grace to be freed from it.
Third, St. Teresa points out how gossip can become a mortal sin. Our digital age is rife with gossip under the guise of debate and evangelization. The vitriol and rage that is generated in Catholic circles alone reveals how quickly gossip can turn into a myriad of mortal sins. Character assassination is a mortal sin that falls under “thou shalt not kill.” It is gravely sinful to destroy the reputation of another or to seek to destroy someone digitally or in person. This sin cuts us off from God and does incalculable damage to the other person. We must be mindful of this danger in our conversations with others and in our online interactions. We don’t have a right to destroy someone else, even if that person has done us or our loved ones great harm. Too many Catholics are committing grave sins in their interactions both online and in person, which does great scandal to our mission to lead all peoples to Christ. We should look different from the prevailing culture in how we treat others.
Fourth, St. Teresa points out how her fear of God diminished while she was in this negative relationship. The more she chatted with this woman, the more she wanted to entertain the gossip and frivolity. This is true of all sin. The more we do it, the less we fear God. Countless Catholics have lost their fear of God in their conversations both in person and online. When we can justify our rage and gossip online as a defense of Christ and the Church, we have fallen into tremendous spiritual blindness. When we vent in vengeful anger about family and friends we have been blinded by sin when we justify our actions.
Once we are aware of the immense spiritual dangers of gossip. We can begin turning to the Lord for the remedy. St. Teresa learned through multiple relationships in her lifetime that some relationships are not pleasing to the Lord and they are not good for us. In those cases, we must submit to God’s will and cut ties with those people. We can continue to pray for them and will their good, but we should not assume that the Lord wills us to have close relationships with all people. That simply is not true.
An example of this in St. Teresa’s life is when Our Lord appeared to her during a visit with someone He did not will for her to continue meeting with at her monastery:
Once when I was with one person, at the very beginning of our acquaintance, the Lord was pleased to show me that such friendships were not good for me, and to warn me and give me light in my great blindness. Christ appeared before me, looking most severe, and giving me to understand that there was something about this that displeased Him. I saw Him with the eyes of my soul more clearly than I could ever have seen Him with the eyes of the body, and the vision made such an impression on me that, although it was more than twenty-six years ago, I seem to see His presence even now. I was greatly astonished and disturbed, and I never wanted to see that person again.
There is a great lie of our age that we are supposed to be friends with everyone. We are called to love, that is, to will the good of all, but we are not called to let all people into the intimate places of our lives. For some people, we may need to keep distance within relationships through prudent interactions, or in some cases, leave that person to prayer alone. There are people who the Lord does not will to be our close friends because of the spiritual harm it would do to us. We should be prudently discerning in prayer those relationships that seem to be a constant near occasion of sin and to be willing to cut ties if it is the Lord’s will. The Lord must come before all people in our lives.
One way to discern is to discern the spirits and fruits operating within a relationship. Does a relationship lead us to closer union with God or does it turn us away from Him? Do we feel heavy or lighter when we leave conversations with these people? Heaviness can be a sign that the relationship is disordered in some way and that we need to seek guidance from the Holy Spirit as to how we respond in this situation. Do we leave angrier rather than more at peace after conversations? Another sign that the enemy or our ego is operating too much within the relationship is that interactions with the person incite the passions rather than cooling them.
True holy friendship should lead us closer to God, not lead us to fall into habitual sin. Human conversations are a time when good and evil are present. We are weak, and there will be times when we fall into the temptation to gossip or speak uncharitably about someone else. There is a difference between human frailty and willful gossip that is vengeful, but we should be on guard against gossip in our conversations. We should be taking our struggles with sins of the tongue to frequent confession so the Lord can show us where we are failing in this area. If we are unsure about a friendship or family member who seems to be a constant near occasion of sin, then we should be bringing that relationship to the Lord in prayer and seeking spiritual guidance from a priest or trusted friend. The Lord will let us know if a relationship pleases Him or not. St. Teresa of Avila is a wonderful holy guide for all of us as we seek to grow in perfection and to tame our unruly tongues.
Image from Wikimedia Commons
