Allow us to dust off our teacher hats for a moment. What's the most important thing you can do as a parent of a school age child? Simple. Present a united front with your child's teacher. Back up the teachers, whether you like them or not!
Veteran parents know how important this is when it comes to Mom and Dad: all children quickly learn how to play one off the other when they sense disagreement. The same goes for the teacher-parent relationship. If your child sees that you will side with him or her instead of the teacher, that teacher's authority in the classroom is lost, and frankly, he or she won't be able to do much to help your child for the rest of the year. An example from Caroline:
“I once caught a straight-A junior girl cheating on a major test. She immediately was tearful and begged forgiveness, but the policies were clear. The zero she would receive on that test would knock her quarter average down to a B or maybe even a C, so l called her mom in to explain what happened.
To my surprise, and with her daughter present, the mother refused to believe me. “Not my daughter,” she kept saying, even-in the face of irrefutable evidence. “My daughter doesn't cheat.” At once I witnessed the student's repentant attitude transform into one of stony defiance. Her mother's behavior prevented her from being able to admit her mistake and move on.
The grudge lasted well into the next semester, and I was hesitant to discipline her from then on because I knew that I wouldn't be backed up at home.” (For readers who are teachers, don't worry; the zero stood.)
Contrast that with Caroline's dad, who, if asked to write a note excusing the loss of a uniform item, would invariably write something like, “Caroline was irresponsible and lost her uniform shoes. Please give her the appropriate punishment.” She quickly learned not to ask him to write excuses and she quickly learned how to keep track of her shoes!
Of course, teachers are human beings and will not handle every student perfectly every time. The point is that parents must work out the disagreement privately and never let their children know about it. Give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, and calmly ask him or her to explain the situation.
A principal we once had announced to the parents at the beginning of every year, “Don't believe everything your children say about us, and we won't believe everything they say about you!” Wise advice. Children are master spin artists, you know. A parent upset about the amount of math homework Junior has and the lack of sleep he's getting may be surprised to learn that the teacher gives the students 15 minutes at the end of every class to start on their homework, but Junior chooses to play around. Rather than badmouthing the teacher's unrealistic expectations, a simple phone call could clear it up.
Here's how to deflate a teacher's spirits and discourage him or her for the rest of the year: Say what one Mom said to a coworker of ours, who had been spending extra hours before and after school and giving up her lunch break to work with a particularly challenging eighth grader. When failure seemed imminent, the teacher scheduled a conference with the mother to work out a new strategy. But when the mom stormed into the classroom, she demanded, “why do you hate my daughter? Why are you picking on her?” Our friend was crushed.
Teachers don't choose their professions because they enjoy inflicting misery on children. (Ask 'em — the pay is too little and the work too demanding.) The teachers we know stick with it because they have a genuine love for young people and want to help them. In our books anyone who does it long-term is on the way to sainthood. Let's pray for them and see them as our allies.
