What’s even worse than an Adam Sandler movie? How about an Adam Sandler movie with Rob Schneider as the star? The Animal may not prove as painfully unfunny and unpleasant as the previous collaboration (Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo) by the two illustrious alums of Saturday Night Live, but it certainly comes close.
The screenplay (co-written by Schneider; Sandler served as co-executive producer and plays a cameo role) centers on a police evidence file clerk who dreams of one day becoming an officer on the force. The problem is that every time he tries to complete the qualifying obstacle course designed by the doddering chief (Ed Asner, looking sedated) he wets his pants. If bladder problems and yellow stains strike you as hilarious, perhaps you may like the movie after all — since the plot features many more references to urine, its distinctive odor, and personal embarrassment.
In any event, the file clerk (Schneider, of course) suffers an accident on a mountain road when he swerves to avoid a seal (don’t ask). The detailed vision of the car going off a cliff and bounding endlessly, brutally against a mountainside represents the sadistic highlight of a thoroughly sadistic film. Rescued from the wreck by mad scientist Michael Caton (you know he’s mad because of his moustache and wild hair) the poor fellow receives transplanted organs from various animals. Gradually, after his return to his job, the beastly bits begin taking over his personality, giving Schneider the chance to impersonate dogs, horses, monkeys, seals, and so forth.
None of these animalistic imitations hits the mark — in fact, they’re so sloppy and unfocused that you know the hero is supposed to be some beast or another, but you generally can’t tell which critter he’s channeling. His new earthy nature, however, makes him far more aggressive with his new love interest, played by Colleen Haskell of Survivor fame in her movie debut. She displays a likeable girl-next-door quality, but after her glamorous bikini-busting appearance in the popular TV show, she seems far less glamorous on the big screen, and her tired, shrug of the shoulders, mono-tone performance hardly speaks well for her future as an actress.
In any event, a few of the outrageous bits can produce a few chuckles — as does the sequence where Schneider leaps in the air to steal a frisbee in his mouth from a similarly leaping dog. A subplot, in which he blacks out and apparently slaughters cows and attacks hunters in a beastly state, provides a dark “altered states” tone that’s out of place with the silly comedy. The movie wears its low budget status almost proudly, and avoids competent special effects even when they might have helped. Schneider works best as a hapless victim, but projects even less – actually far less — likeability than his mentor, Sandler. The low budget probably reflects the low confidence in the movie’s commercial prospects. Columbia hopes to lure a few unsuspecting, undemanding 14 year-old victims into the theatre before the world gets around to realizing that the only animal Schneider effectively impersonates is a turkey.
Rated PG 13, despite tasteless references to sex and other bodily functions, and loads of lame, sadistic slapstick. ONE AND A HALF STARS.
(Michael Medved hosts a nationally syndicated daily radio talk show that focuses on the intersection of pop culture and politics. You can contact him at www.michaelmedved.com.)
