When I celebrated my 30th anniversary as a priest, I reviewed the many blessings that I have received. I offered a special prayer for those who helped me to grow and mature by their words of fraternal correction. There are two verses from the Old Testament Book of Proverbs which put it best: "A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse one crushes the spirit …He who listens to salutary reproof will abide among the wise.
He who rejects admonition despises his own soul, but he who heeds reproof gains understanding." (Proverbs 15:4, 31-32)
And while I continue to be blessed by people's insights, observations and suggestions, I have noted lately that some people are a lot more effective than others in sharing their insights.
Perhaps because of the challenges we face in rural America or the stress of the priest shortage or the effect of life on the prairie, it seems that people are getting more harsh in their criticism, less civil in speech and the humor more sarcastic.
As I review my correspondence and conversations over the past six months, people seem more frustrated with their pastors, pastors with their people, personnel moves, the teachings of the church are in question, and the opinions of the old toward the young and the young toward the old are less tolerated.
One of my favorite letters was from someone who decided to no longer contribute to the Catholic Family Sharing Appeal. After stating that he would not contribute another dollar until I moved his pastor, he concluded the letter by saying, "What's the use – you won't listen anyway."
Just because we don't get exactly what we ask for doesn't mean we haven't been heard.
It leads me to think he must have arrived at this hasty conclusion without much reflecting on some possibilities. Perhaps he is one of few in the parish who didn't like the pastor, or perhaps because of the priest shortage there was little or nothing that could be done about it, or that he really wasn't the easiest person himself to get along with, or that following the rules of the church a bishop can't simply move someone on a whim.
Some times people will allow permission to share their letters with the other party, and I am surprised how often there is a significant difference in how the priest and the parishioner or the parish and the diocese see things from a different perspective. I believe people must take the time to listen to each other and work at effective communication. It seems to me there is a lot of wisdom in the Bible when it says that we should first bring our concern to our individual brother and sister, and only after trying to work things through that level, move to a higher level of authority.
I remember a few years ago when someone wrote me complaining about their pastor, and when I wrote back asking permission to share the letter with the pastor, they declined. The lady said, "I don't want you to share my letter with the priest because we are friends. I just thought that you could tell him what to do and then everything would be good." I guess they didn't have much honesty in the friendship.
All of this is not to say that in this post-Vatican II era that people don't have a right to be heard or that pastors can run their parishes like little kingdoms. The point I want to get across is that we are lacking in civility in our speech, and I think we have to show a lot more patience and tone down the rhetoric. We really need to sit down and look at ourselves in the mirror and ask what it means to be a member of the Body of Christ.
First, we need to follow the Biblical admonition I mentioned above and try to resolve issues one on one.
Secondly, if we write a letter in anger, we should really sleep on it before we send it. It might make us feel good at the moment to say things that "cut deeply," but it is not the way we live out the commandment of love toward God and neighbor.
Third, we need to check from time to time with those around us and ask if we have been particularly agitated or angry or frustrated. It might be that the two jobs we hold or the tensions we face on a daily basis are beginning to get to us. You see there really was some wisdom in the way we used to live when we actually took Sunday as a day of rest and relaxation with our family and made room for God in our lives. The rest helps our body, mind and spirit.
Fourth, if we guard our tongue and watch what we say and take one another into consideration, our family life, community life and parish life will be a lot more friendly. It is not by accident that there are more angry words in the English language than compassionate and loving words. I think it is time that we extended the word vocabulary of our kindness.
Fifth, we have to add a new discipline to daily living. We need to take our thoughts and consider them until we can express them in a positive way or through a helpful suggestion. In other words, it is time to remove the stinger and become a good Samaritan even when you are concerned about something.
Sixth, I have learned over the years that people will often respond to me in the same way that I relate to them. If you think that "everyone is out to get you," maybe they think that you are out to get them.
Finally, in a discussion, try to see the other person's point of view once in awhile – you might even learn something! Unfortunately, most of the time most of us don't know what we don't know.
As Christian men and women we have to guard the use of our tongue. We give witness to Christ by what we say and by what we do. Most of us fall short as the Lord's disciples based on what we do, and we are pretty good at examining our conscience in that area. I find that more of us are falling short in regard to what we say – our speech today is more crude, irreverent, cruel, cutting and mean-spirited.
As a disciple of Christ, we must act like Christ who offered no defense before the Cross. This summer we should work at creating more space for the Lord in prayer, relaxation and peace. Maybe, just maybe, we will be able to share it with one another.
