Preventing a Tug of War — or Worse
You’ve struck on one of the key challenges couples face in their marriages. Not only have they not learned how to properly manage their finances through the use of a budget, but they have difficulty in communicating with each other when it comes to their finances. Tug-of-war battles occur because they haven’t sat down and agreed on what the right financial priorities for the family are.
Most people are familiar with the common statistic that half of all marriages in America end in divorce. It would be wise for couples to dig beneath the surface of this statistic and understand why the divorce rate is so high. While there are a number of issues, one of the primary causes of marital breakups continues to be money matters.
For those preparing for marriage, I highly encourage you to take the time now to learn the communication and budgeting skills necessary to manage your financial affairs. This can easily be accomplished during the couple’s marriage preparation program. In fact, our pastor has made it a requirement that couples read Catholic Answers Guide to Family Finances and submit a first-year budget for review prior to being married. I would recommend this process to every engaged couple.
Here are a few key points young couples can use to prepare themselves so they can avoid the money problems that afflict so many marriages:
• Get your spiritual life in order. You’ll be amazed at how this directly impacts your finances.
• Determine who will handle the basic financial duties, and focus on making finances an area of good communication.
• Create a financial plan (budget) for the first year of your marriage.
• Learn how to manage your checkbook.
• Discuss the use — and misuse — of credit.
Conversion of Heart
Maybe an example of how not to act would be helpful. I’m reminded of a phone call from a young mother with three children. In her case, there was no financial communication between her and her husband. He maintained all of the financial records and she didn’t even know how much he earned! He gave her the bare minimum to purchase what he thought were necessities. Since her sense of “necessity” was different, you can imagine the disagreements that ensued. The only time there was “peace” in the home was when the silent treatment became the mode of communication. Eventually, she began making purchases on credit cards without his consent, and the situation spiraled out of control.
It’s heartbreaking to see these types of situations when we know that our Lord wants so much more for married couples. We need to remember that husband and wife are to be “one” (Gn 2:24). In most of these cases, I’m convinced that a true conversion of heart is needed for both spouses. The words contained in St. Paul’s letter to the Ephesians (5:21-33), which are so often misconstrued, can be food for thought. True, Paul calls for the wife to be subject to the husband. But the husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the Church. Christ loved us (and the Church) enough to make the ultimate sacrifice of His life. It is this same type of mutual self-sacrificing love that Paul is calling us to.
When our spiritual life is in order, both husband and wife make decisions in a manner which imitate Christ. This leads to a greater unity between the couple and helps in avoiding some of the pitfalls many couples fall into. One practical way this unity is exhibited is when couples develop an annual budget together and then periodically (at least quarterly) follow up throughout the year together as they track actual income and spending to their budget.
Just a note here for couples already married who are experiencing difficulty in their marriage. Just as the Church provides engaged couples with a period of preparation, sometimes married couples need a refresher. Some have achieved great success by working through groups like Marriage Encounter or Retrouvaille. I encourage you to contact your pastor about taking advantage of the good work these groups do.
Live on One Income
Now back to our engaged couple. One of the common mistakes young couples make is spending well beyond their means when planning their wedding and setting up their first “home.” Unfortunately, too many of these couples put tens of thousands of dollars on credit cards in order to have a large wedding and fancy reception. Then, when setting up their first home, they open charge accounts at department stores and purchase several thousand more dollars in furnishings. Add to this the fact that many engaged couples also have substantial student loans to pay back. While the wedding and honeymoon are like a dream come true, managing the debt afterwards can be a living nightmare.
Assuming that you’ll start out with two incomes, I encourage you to live on one and save the entire second income. Not only will you be learning the discipline of saving as well as setting money aside for future needs, you’ll also find it much easier to make a decision to have a parent stay home full-time when blessed with children. If you spend both incomes from the start, you’ll find it extremely difficult to change your lifestyle to reflect the reduced income.
One of the best gifts you can give yourselves is to create a financial plan (budget) for the first year of your married life before the wedding. See if you can locate a mentor couple who will review your budget with you on a monthly basis. In the event you can’t find another couple, ask your parents, pastor or a friend to fulfill this role. This will set the stage for effective financial planning and communication on money matters throughout your marriage.
God love you!
Phil Lenahan is Director of Media and Finance at Catholic Answers and author of Catholic Answers’ Guide to Family Finances.
This article originally appeared in the National Catholic Register and is used by permission of the author.
