Name It, Claim It, Feel It, Fix It
If you find yourself judging, blaming, whining, sulking, or venting — even sometimes — you are not dealing productively with one or another of your fears, pains or frustrations.
Instead, you are angry, and that will never get you what you want: Joy, especially life's greatest joy, communion with God and God's people. So why not stop that right now!
Here's the formula: Name it. Claim it. Feel it. Fix it.
Father Dennis Clark is the resident homilist for Catholic Exchange and the pastor of the Church of the Nativity in Rancho Sante Fe, California. His book Sunday Morning: Food for the Soul can be found here.
Anger is one of the heaviest burdens that most people carry year after year. And it’s a problem that most of us don’t know how to deal with constructively. The following is a thumbnail sketch of a strategy for doing just that.
Anger always has its roots in some fear, pain or frustration.
To discover the specific roots of your anger, ask:
• What's the fear, pain or frustration? Or even better:
• What need of mine is not getting fulfilled?
Getting Angry
Getting angry happens in four stages:
• I experience fear, pain or frustration.
• I experience a biological response (adrenalin rush).
• I judge the person/thing/circumstance as evil.
• I retaliate!
Signs of Unresolved Anger
Unresolved anger reveals itself in:
• judging
• blaming
• venting
• not enjoying life
• self-harming habits (I'm angry at myself and have no self-respect. I'd stop being angry at myself if I trusted that I was going to change my behavior.)
• hair-trigger reactions that exceed the stimuli.
Self-Defeating Response
Angry people don't get what they want.
Anger is a way of trying to get what you want, namely, to get rid of the fear, pain or frustration. But it doesn't work. The judging, blaming, etc., generate the opposite effect of what we want:
• I attack. You counterattack.
• I blame. You counter-blame.
• I judge. You counter-judge.
To prevent this cycle, STOP! Don't judge, blame, argue, attack, whine or sulk. None of that works. Instead, name your need. Name the fear, pain, or frustration that’s troubling you. Name what you are not getting. Say it clearly, out loud! (The other person will usually give you what you need.) Naming accurately and coolly requires practice. So practice!
Angers against people in our past can poison our present. If such angers are still around, ask yourself:
• What am I not getting right now (e.g. the relationship I want with my friend)?
• How are those past events/persons preventing me from getting what I need now? (e.g. My kids are so mad at me and I'm so mad at myself for my child-rearing methods that we keep beating up on each other.)
