Hear that sound? It’s carried from one bus stop to the next, and in between crowded parking lot pick-up lines. It’s the widespread angst from parents of new Middle-Schoolers.
In long-lived maternal tradition, moms of younger kids (the ones with less gray hair but glue under their fingernails) sit at the feet of moms with older kids (the ones broke from maintaining their roots and who have The Forgetful Mother’s Guide to Geometry stuck under the minivan seat) and seek maternal wisdom.
“O Wise Woman who has lived to see her child complete Middle School, help me. I have no idea what my son does all day at school. Every time I ask a question, he just mumbles answers. Since he started 6th grade, his vocabulary has shrunk to about ten words.”
Mom: “Hi honey, how was your day?”“Fear not, Fellow Mom, Ye whose wrinkles aren’t as deep as mine. You’re still asking Coherent 5th-Grade-Boy Questions. Simply rework the way you ask questions to go something like this:
Boy: “Fine. I’m hungry.”
Mom: “What did you do today?”
Boy: “I dunno.”
Mom: “Do you have any homework?
Boy: “Uh mumnh huh.”
Mom: “Do you have any field trips coming up?”
Boy: “I dunno. What do we have to eat?”
Mom: “How was lunch?”
Boy: “Fine.”
Mom: “What’d you have?”
Boy: “Sugar uhdunno sugar with fries.”
Mom: “Did your teacher get the note I wrote?”
Boy: “Huh? Note?”
Mom: “Never mind. I’ll find it when I do laundry. Do you remember who I am?”
Boy: “uhmumnh huh.”
Mom: “Hi, eternally-hungry-boy-whose-mother-goes-without-chocolate-to-feed-you, honey, love of my life. How was your day?”See? It’s all in how you ask the questions. And if you have good junk food in the pantry.
Boy: “Fine”
Mom: “Okay, let’s back up. Turn around; I’m still talking to you. Right here… the eyes… look me in the eyes. Good. Now, this morning you arrived at school and got off the bus. Then what?”
Boy: “Um, I walked inside?”
Mom: “Right! Good. Then the bell rang and you went where?”
Boy: “To first period.”
Mom: “Which is…”
Boy: “Science and home base.”
Mom: “Okay, so you walked in the room, sat down, then what?”
Boy: “Then the teacher started talking about the metric system and did you know George Washington first introduced the idea of using the metric system? What do we have to eat?”
Mom: “Twinkies for any 6th grade boy who can produce his agenda within 60 seconds. Two Twinkies if today’s homework assignments are actually written in it.”
Boy: “Oh, that reminds me — we have a test in Science tomorrow.”
Karen Rinehart is a magazine humor columnist, public speaker and the creator of The Bus Stop Mommies, a newspaper. She is also author of Invisible Underwear, Bus Stop Mommies and Other Things True To Life. You can read more of her work at karenrinehart.net. Karen lives in Concord, North Carolina with her two kids, one husband and goofball dog, where they attend St. James Catholic Church. (Well, they leave the dog at home.) She enjoys hearing from readers across the States and as far away as Australia, Japan and England.
