On the list of my top ten pet peeves, that question is a serious contender for the #1 spot. (It's right up there with tailgaters and people who talk about themselves for 45 minutes straight without ever taking a breath.) Variations on the question include "I can't believe you're not married — what's wrong with all of those guys out there?", or for the divorced "Why aren't you remarried yet?" I just don't know what kind of answer they could probably be looking for. "I have hideous personality flaws, but I hide them well." "I'm terribly selfish and don't like to share." Or perhaps "Gee, I don't know. What do you think?"
I think what bugs me most is the implicit assumption that if "if you're not married, it must mean no one has asked." (At least, that's the assumption if you're female. I suppose the male equivalent would be that you've never met anyone who would be willing to say "yes" if you did ask.) I know this is not the case for most of the singles I've known — and I've known a lot of singles. Maybe some have never reached the point in a relationship where there was an actual proposal (because they were smart enough and kind enough to end it when they realized they didn't want to marry the person). But, for most of us, there have been — or could have been — plenty of opportunities.
So why aren't you married?
I figured, since you've probably all been asked the same question, maybe we should take a column or two to explore some of the answers, and to see which ones we actually have any control over.
Let's get the "garden variety" answers out of the way first.
"I just haven't found the right person." For most of us, that's the short answer. I've written before — but it bears repeating — that Catholic singles who are serious about their faith are at a real disadvantage when it comes to finding a mate in today's world. To find someone who shares that faith, to paraphrase Ann Coulter, is sort of like a woman trying to find a boyfriend in a room full of choreographers.
Okay, here's another pet peeve: people who say "Why don't you marry (pointing to some poor random victim) him? He's Catholic." Of course! What with that being my only criterion and all! Seriously, once we get through the Catholic thing, then we have to start on all of the compatibility issues. Do I have fun with this person? Do I like this person? Is this person mature? Emotionally healthy? Am I attracted to this person?
Another phrase in my long list of pet peeves is "I bet you're too picky." I've said it before, and I'll say it again: It's good to be picky about the things that matter. Faith, emotional maturity, attraction — these and any other factors that make up the foundation of a marriage are non-negotiable.
But I do think there's a further level of "picky" that can be problematic. Remember the Seinfeld episode where Jerry dumped his girlfriend because she had "man hands"? That's the kind of picky I'm talking about now. And I think a lot of singles consciously or unconsciously hide behind it. Look, marriage can be scary. For those of us who have never married, the longer we remain unmarried, the more set in our ways we become, and the scarier it is. After all, marriage is so permanent. Our lives may be a little quiet or a little lonely right now, but at least they're familiar and they're under our control. And for those who have been married before and lost it through death or divorce — well, I can see where the prospect of going back and trying again would be danged scary as well.
So a new person coming along can feel a little bit threatening. What if this person wants more than I do? What if we fall in love and then I get hurt? What if we get married and he doesn't like my furniture? Do I have to give up my sofa? I love my sofa! Our brains tend to get a little ahead of ourselves. Sometimes our brains think all of this so quietly that we don't really hear it. We just get the vague feeling that maybe it'd be easier to get out of this thing before it starts. So we start looking for traits we can object to. "Man hands," "big head" — anything will work.
After all, if we're picky enough, nobody will qualify and we'll never have to take the risk and get married.
I think it pays for all of us to take an honest look at ourselves every once in a while. I can't repeat too often the need to be picky about the things that matter. But are you identifying things that don't matter, and using them to distance yourself from someone who might make a wonderful spouse? You can't, in the end, pretend things that are important to you really aren't. But something that looms large (like hands or a head) in the beginning might be something you don't even notice, or actually come to like, as you get to know the person. Sometimes we're to close to the situation to really see it. Which makes it a very good question to take to prayer. Ask Him for the strength to be open to the people He wants in your life for whatever reason. Ask Him for the ability to discern healthy selectiveness from obsessive pickiness. And if there's one particular person you're on the fence about, ask Him for an up or down vote.
After all, I have it on pretty good authority that He's picky about the things that count.
