Stopped to beg your prayers – – –

It is Lent – and more than at any point in my life, I stand in the dock before God; I contemplate my suffering in His; I beg for my life, even as I beg for my afterlife; I kneel, sit and lay down in prayer. In prayer, I go to Him both to be chastised for and to be forgiven of so much. In my waking hours, when not in prayer, I am thinking of prayer, of praying yet more, of going back for more of His purifying grace of this season of getting-readiness for both salvation and Resurrection.

And, I contemplate my deficiencies in so many aspects of my life. Funny, in a saddest and most querulous way, in all my years of Catholic education – and instructing as well as pupil – and all the classes, homilies, seminars, discussions, etc., we never heard in great and terrible fact that we didn’t only crucify the man Who is our Jesus and our Self-anointed Savior, and the very Son of God, God from God: We belittled, harassed, demeaned, scorned, mocked, spit upon, tortured, scourged, thorn-crowned, refused to see, hear or acknowledge, and unjustly executed Love.

What we had done and still so stubbornly do to love in us we did to Love Alive.

How did our pastors, instructors and pious companions fail to so baldly take and make note of such travesty, in all the years? “Uh, folks, we killed Love.” Oh, for sure, we have wailed over our sufferings due to sin, though not so loudly in our lessons that noted how God suffered and still suffers due to our sins. Yet, of God so suffering, why not us, as well and even the more? Though no torture has the graphic violence of scourging and crucifixion. Permit me to note that other themes have been absent from the podium and pulpit; sometimes, it seems that the evangelizing transmission has been ‘dumbed-down’ in the Church since I can remember (as I compare my modern notes from learning.) However, how have we missed simply reflecting, if in surprised shock of realization, that “we killed Love”?

It bears repeating that none of Love’s love is the easy-squishy, quasi-love of modern culture and humankind. How can we wonder at the hormonal ‘emo’ and yet passive passion passing for ‘love’ among adolescents and teens? More and worse, a loveless ‘love’ that goes on into immature growed-up-ness? For, do our young not witness the parade of ‘love’ of post-modern modernity as even this euphemistic, pusillanimous and false parody is shattered in divorce, let alone tormented in abuse and neglect, let alone thwarted in abortion and contraception, where Love is not permitted life – killed! – even to start with. This so-called ’love’ seems so temporary, and conditioned on selfishness. How can we blame our young of washing their hands of it all, and cynically asking: “Love? What is love?” Soon enough it is plain that emotions neither are nor buy love; though their futility in their cynicism causes surrender even into that alleged adulthood.

Love shows that love is commitment, decision, real choice, solid and true and of story unending. Love is so determined to sacrifice Himself for the objects (you and me, dear) of His love, He prays – “Buck Me up, Father, I’m going in!” Of such love, “Love one another as I love you.” That’s the Glorious Golden Rule.

The Passion of Christ was His ‘crunch time’ – when all His strength was so needed for the horrifying tasks ahead of Him. So, did Jesus fall back on His own demonstrably potent and iron will? Maybe, He could have. But, instead, as youth might put it, ‘He was all “Your will, Father, not Mine”.’ Why did He feel compelled to do that? I think it came from concern for His human weakness, sure. More, He wanted All of Love on His side, in His strength, for His will to love. Jesus Christ, Savior-With-Us Anointed and Extraordinaire, gave the love in all of Him from out of His will over to His and our Father for All Love out of the Father’s will: Love unconquerable, Love perfect, Love of love. (My Lord, my God, how You love me!)

(And, hey, we had representatives ‘on the ground’ there at Gethsemane! Of course, our representatives had fallen asleep with bellies full of the Paschal meal – the Passover thanksgiving celebration of the time. As well, they had indulged on the new Paschal communion thanksgiving banquet Mass of the Eucharist. Hmmm – think now, how Lordly of the God-man . . . would Jesus expect us to kill Him on an empty stomach?)

A bit parenthetically, but germane, in my youth and family, I was taught the failure of love more than love. So, you, reader, could point at me, “j’accuse”, and indict and convict me that I have failed love, myself. My sole weak defense only could be: “don’t we all?” However, you could go on and insist that I have this way of sort of commanding love from you; though, others are doing a better job of that. And, yes, I do, and even as I command love from me. But, for this parenthetical paragraph, I was led to fail love more than deny love, and from my beginnings. My Refuge was within very God, the Love I could not deny, Who graced me that I clung then and cling today to Church and God, as I have been able – not all THAT able, as a sinner. However, still, as you may testify, I stand convicted, and, still, so naked of that cloak of love with which to cover any and all life and virtues (cf. Colossians 3:14). I stand even barely loving me, looking to God’s love . . . to love Him . . . that I find love for you and for me. For, I fail love of me, first – I am of love a failure in all. The whole array of Saint Paul’s recommendations to the Colossians can be noted here: [P]ut on the new nature . . . put on, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassion, kindness, lowliness, meekness, and patience, forbearing one another . . . forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you . . . And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. (From Colossians 3:10-14; do note, brother, sister, you are ‘beloved’.)

Oh, oh, but what of the beloved Sharon, of prior mention? Can you not see – we of ‘us’ subsisted on the love of a good, a very good woman? Sharon lived and lives on in love with her Lord and Savior, and His Mother and hers. And, need I add, prayed and prays for me, and for many. But – this, my human person-to-person lowest, most cruel and ignoble failure of most wonderful love is a long, other, most sad and unfortunate story. Yes, “most sad” – for, learning nothing of real love, I did learn of sadness; which blankets me in threadbare fashion in lieu of the great cloak of love. Without that cloak, it is so easy to fail love, even kill Love. And – but – please, don’t ask me to tell of my failure of love in the years of my marriage here – at least, not right now – the sobs are in my chest waiting to rise and pour from me. My contrition is palpable, like my respiration and heartbeat, and nearly as profound. And, other failures of mine, of love, are interwoven with my great failure of the mighty unity of the ‘us’ of Sharon and me.

But, let us both admit, confess and stand convicted that when Love strode our ways and before our lives, we killed Him. We killed Love. You killed Love. I killed Love. Yes, it is what Love, holy-named Jesus Christ, came to do, to die at our hands, virtually in our arms. For, He has had us lovingly embraced in His arms all along, and it is in our arms that we kill Him. He was so kind – did you hear Him? – did you hear Love say it is because we are so ignorant, so unknowing of Him, of His Way and His Truth, and beg very God to forgive us?

O, my God, were I so ignorant – I killed You! And, I know that and how I killed You, and kill You yet today . . . through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault. My Love, O, my Love, how I need Your forgiveness from Your love.

O, do come, Lord Jesus. Help us, and help me – help Your people who have been purchased with Your very Blood.

[Forget me not, citizens of the City of God, in your prayers. Yes, of course, beloved – you are in mine.]