These Nonbiblical Movies Have to Stop!

I risk ruining your Holy Week with this, I know, but hear me out. You deserve to know the truth, however shocking: Hollywood has outdone itself with a movie co-written and directed by a non-Catholic with some controversial baggage in his past.

I’ve seen this cinematic (more like sin-ematic) travesty myself so you don’t have to. Actually, it’s been out for a while.

It’s about the final hours of Jesus’ life, and it features a disturbingly high number of scenes that are not—I repeat not—found in the holy Bible, which is God’s inspired word that must not be added to or improved on. Right?

If you’re sitting down, I can give you a few examples. Deep breath. First, this mess of a movie features a scene with Jesus and his Mother, Mary, joking about table design. He even playfully (?) splashes water on her! I kid you not. 

We are then treated to scenes of giggling children encountered by Judas who turn out to be—what else?—demons! And when Judas flings the bag containing the silver pieces back at the chief priests in the Temple, it seems to slow down in midair. Where does the Bible say this is even possible?

I’m just getting started. Satan is played by—are you ready for this?—a woman. Not just any woman, but an androgynous, bald woman who, during the scourging scene, decides to show Jesus her (?) chubby love child. A hairy midget from hell, I tell you!

Jesus is further shown being booted off the edge of a drawbridge and stopped only by the chains that bind him before hitting the ground. Oh, and there’s Judas cowering at the bottom of the bridge, gawking at him. This is found where in the Bible?

The actor playing Jesus is made to say to his Mother while on the Via Dolorosa, “Behold, I make all things new,” when everyone knows this is a line from Revelation 21:5. Any filmmaker who plays fast and loose with the Bible itself is hardly interested in the proper order of events therein. 

And I didn’t even mention the raven plucking out the eye of the bad thief on the cross (ew!), or the very nonbiblical conversation between Jesus and Simon of Cyrene, or the giant teardrop falling from the sky over Calvary. (Yeah, as if a teardrop could set off an earthquake.)

As I was watching this fetid spectacle, it was weird. I heard music coming from the speakers of my TV set, accompanying the action. But when I read the Bible, I never hear music (unless, you know, I have it playing in the background). And in the tomb scene, when the apparently risen Jesus stands up (clearly naked, I might add) I heard military drums. Hey, Hollywood, who was playing the drums in the tomb, Buddy Rich? 

Mark my words: The Christian exploiters in Hollywood are going to start churning out other epic films “based on” the Bible. Trembling as I write this, I do solemnly swear that the story of Noah will one day be subjected to a similar smear campaign. 

Dear Hollywood: Stop adding to the inspired word of God with your diabolical need to “tell a story visually.” Please. It’s wrong. It’s bad. I don’t like it.

— A Concerned Literalist Christian Viewer

P.S. Yes, this is parody. 

This article is reprinted with permission from our friends at Catholic Answers.
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  • JMC

    Odd. I’ve seen that movie several times, and I don’t remember the drawbridge scene. Oh, well. ;D

  • Kelli

    The movie “Noah,” had myself and older children crying tears of laughter. Russell Crow has ruined his career on this one. It was like something out of a sci-fi book! A complete mockery of God that had no biblical foundation. If you want a great laugh, see this one! Having said that, I too was frightened after seeing it. There is something greatly wrong when Hollywood can take a biblical figure and change the story to create every scandal under the sun. It was an abomination and I fear God’s wrath for whoever participated in its making in any way shape or form! God help them, may they repent! Now, the “Passion of the Christ,” was done much more prayerfully and cinematically dramatic for effect. I don’t agree with your assessment. If you read the, “40 dreams of St. John Bosco,” the children demons aren’t too far off the mark. The devil was played by a female actress because she best suited for the part. She was not suppose to be a woman. The scene you are referring while Jesus is on the road to calvalry, the devil was tempting/tormenting Jesus by mocking his mother. There is a whole study guide that goes along with that movie. A priest was on site everyday and many conversions happened in its making. Check your facts on this one. Not the same as the other garbage being made today!

  • http://twitter.com/LWAYNECAMP LWC

    Time for a good ole’ fashioned Inquisition to put an end to this.

  • Michael

    Who ever wrote this article, I can only say one thing. “Satan be Gone” !

  • Phil Steinacker

    JMC,

    Part of his attempt at parody must include the creative use of error. That was no drawbridge; unless engineers of the day knew how to construct one of stone.

  • Patience

    Did you know there were several miracles during the filming of “The Passion of the Christ”? YES!
    The most noteworthy being lightening striking THREE times (Jim Caviezel once and another crew member twice) WITHOUT INJURY.
    Conversions too.
    Romans used to crucify their victims naked. The shroud did not show a “modesty” cloth like we have on our crucifix.
    I’d say those are good fruits to judge by.
    Regarding details non-SOLA-SCRIPTURA, most are (Catholic) tradition and from writings by the (Catholic) mystics Venerable Anne
    Catherine Emmerich, and Venerable Mary of Agreda.
    Regarding the small detail scenes where Jesus shows affection to Mary and inclusion of background music, well come-on now.
    This is a good work. Thanks be to God.

  • Patience

    Heheh, I just caught the “P.S. Yes, this is parody.”.
    YOU GOT ME! I bought it.

  • John Byde

    The makers of Noah don’t care about your views or reaction to the film – all they want is your money. And you gave it to them.

  • JMC

    The author of “A Doctor at Calvary” points out that, while the crucified were usually naked, the Romans did allow the use of loincloths (or shifts for women) to preserve modesty for religious reasons. Hence it was not unknown for a crucified Jew to be at least minimally clothed.
    .
    I highly recommend this book for anyone truly interested in exactly what Our Lord endured – however, with a clear warning that it is not for the squeamish. The author describes quite graphically not only what actually happens to a crucified body, but re-created the effects of the nails using cadavers. Careful analysis of image on the Shroud of Turin provided the rest. The research was conducted just like an autopsy that is done when the body is severely decomposed, or they only have pictures and/or trace evidence to work with. The only true “error” I found in the movie was that they showed Him being nailed palms and insteps; otherwise, it seemed to adhere to the aforementioned book pretty closely. Primarily, it’s only natural that Christ only spoke in very short phrases; it took everything he had to draw breath for those phrases. His final bequest of Mary to John (and through him, to us) would have required a superhuman effort. Mary of Agreda points out that the only way Christ even survived his scourging, which involved over a thousand strokes, was through Divine sustenance. The withdrawal of that sustenance is probably why He died after only three hours on the cross; for a healthy person, crucified without prior scourging, it would have taken twenty-four to forty-eight hours.

  • Cbalducc

    Kelli, the author of the above piece was mocking anti-Catholics.

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