Helping Your Child Cope With Anger

Negative emotions are almost always the most difficult for us as parents to allow our children to express, mainly because they are complex, intense, and often viewed as personal affronts.  Yet nearly every child, at least in the beginning of his life, displays fits of ire – screaming, yelling, red and flushed faces, holding his breath, tantrums, hitting or kicking, and crying hysterically.  Because of their emotional immaturity, children aren’t aware of how to properly control their frustration, disappointment, or anger, nor do they even know how to define what they are feeling.

As parents, we often take one of two approaches when our child throws a fit: silencing the negative emotion by ignoring the behavior, denying it, or even placating her through roadblocks to communication; or we respond by yelling back and reclaiming our authority, which only exacerbates the intensity of what she’s feeling.  Both means are potentially harmful, both to our child and to our relationship with her.  Denial tends to be the go-to coping mechanism for the parents who, as children, were not permitted to express negative emotions, so they never learned how to handle their own feelings when they became frustrated, irritated, upset, etc.  The parents who retort with equal bouts of wrath, however, likely feel that their authority is being threatened, and yelling is the only way they can reclaim a sense of being in control.

Both parenting approaches often stem from a very difficult truth: most of us are uncomfortable with negative emotions.  Our life experience with them was perhaps unhealthy, so we learned to view any sort of dark feeling as “bad,”and any positive emotion, such as happiness, hilarity, or excitement as “good.”  The trouble with labeling feelings is that we lose our ability to see all feelings as neutral, with the potential for doing either good or harm.  Once that occurs, any time we feel upset, we either internalize it as shame, guilt, or depression, or we explode with verbal assaults that shred whoever we’ve chosen as our scapegoat.  Sadly, we project either example to our children, who then do not learn to manage their emotions in a healthy and constructive manner.

One Gospel passage that always struck me was when Jesus became angry in the Temple at Jerusalem and overturned the table with goods to sell, breaking and hurling them everywhere (see Matthew 21: 12 – 13).  When I was a little girl, I heard this Gospel with dismay, because to me, anger was always wrong.  Whether this was a subtle or overt cue I picked up from my family of origin or elsewhere, I wasn’t comfortable hearing about Jesus expressing His anger so intensely.  But when I did, a wave of relief settled upon my soul, because I had adopted the common misperception that all anger is bad and must be denied expression.

Understanding righteous anger from a Scriptural standpoint can assist us as parents to break the chain of dysfunctional patterns in our families by reflecting on this passage and applying it to our interactions with our children.  When we ponder the reality that Jesus expressed righteous anger, we can begin to see anger more constructively and less negatively.  It’s truly how we demonstrate our feelings (and when) that determines whether or not we have exhibited righteous or sinful anger.

How do we model healthy expressions of anger and instruct our children to do the same?  Here are five suggestions, each building upon its precursor.

Set appropriate boundaries beforehand

Be clear about your expectations before you allow your child to rant and rave.  By laying ground rules, such as “no physical or verbal aggression toward yourself or another person,” you are telling your child that he can still safely extract his anger without harming himself or someone else.  Also provide some alternatives to hitting or screaming at another person, such as taking a jog around the block, hitting a punching bag or pillow, or screaming as loudly as possible in the garage (and preferably away from everyone else).

Allow your child to express, not repress

Once the ground rules are established, tell your child that she now has liberty to vent.  Be present while she talks, cries, or shouts, and gently remind her from time to time if she begins to waver from the boundaries.  Let her get everything off of her chest before you interject anything else.

Pray

While your child is emitting his negative emotions, silently pray.  You may invoke a special saint to whom you are devoted, or perhaps ask your child’s patron saint to come to his aid.  Praying the rosary may be a comfort to you, or maybe all you can muster is a simple supplication to the Holy Spirit for guidance.  Even a combination of these is helpful, so that you can ensure your mind, heart, and attitude are all in the right place, which is a place of openness.

Essentially, this is what you are trying to foster in yourself and your child – openness.  Feelings expressed in a safe and appropriate manner are then released cathartically, and there is often spiritual healing that subsequently occurs.  Pray for wisdom and healing as your child unravels his tangent.

Listen reflectively

While you pray, ask God to allow you to hear beyond the words your child is speaking.  If she tends to have an attitude you dislike, remain quiet and refrain from your natural inclination towards authoritarian parenting.  The goal here is to find deeper emotions that may be concealed by the initial anger or irritation.  Don’t focus on the fact that your child said she hated her best friend; think about the hurt feelings over a fight she had with her friend, saying aloud, “You must be really hurt by what your friend did today.”  Chances are, her anger will be slowly diffused, and the true issue will become more transparent.

Respond lovingly

Once the ranting ceases, sit down with your child and discuss what’s really going on.  She might need a hug or for you to hold her while she cries.  Deep-seated wounds need to be exposed to air and brought into the light before meaningful healing can occur.  Emotional wounds often coincide with spiritual ones, so remind your child (depending on her age) about the healing balm of Confession, Mass, and Eucharistic Adoration.  Whatever current crisis is at stake, this might be the perfect catalyst for her to deepen her interior life.

However you respond, do so calmly and gently, without judgment or criticism.  Your child will be relieved and grateful to know he can turn to you when he encounters struggles that are too much for him to bear alone.

Anger is often a component of grief and sometimes masks deeper emotions, such as sadness, fear, jealousy, or exhaustion.  Anger is more easily expressed than these deeper feelings, and it is usually more accepted in society than weeping uncontrollably or admitting envy or physical depletion.  Anger seems to denote power, while sorrow, fear, and exhaustion are interpreted as weaknesses.

Recall the juxtaposition of Jesus on the Cross, a societal symbol of death, finality, and human flesh succumbing to weakness.  Yet Jesus conquered all of these through the Cross, which is now an eternal sign of victory and hope.  Even as He fell three times on His journey to Calvary, weakness did not overcome Him completely.  When we suffer, especially injustice or perceived injustice, we must remember the potential gift in our suffering and falling under the weight of our own crosses.

Jesus is present with us in our anger, as well as when we encourage our children to understand their emotions and express them with self-control, prudence, temperance, and charity.  As they grow into young adults, they will exhibit deeper empathy and greater confidence over their ability to be honest and genuine in their human relationships and in their prayer life.  Like any type of pain, anger is a tool that can be used for good or for evil.  It is also our teacher, reminding us of our limitations and that we need to turn in total dependence to God in times of darkness and loss.

By

JEANNIE EWING is a Catholic spirituality writer and national inspirational speaker. Among her eight books, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph, is her most popular. She is a frequent guest on podcasts, radio shows, and has appeared on EWTN, CatholicTV, and ShalomWorld. Her deepest desire is to accompany those who suffer and are lonely. Visit her website at jeannieewing.com for more information.

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