Women Have It. Men Are Scared.

"I don’t know what that word means, but it scares the living &$%^! out of me."

Yeesh, this is what I get for having friends who are guys. I go off and absently mindedly utilize some common adjective like "perimenopausal" in an email and they freak out.

Naturally, I felt it my civic duty to inform this man, whose wife is obviously younger than me, what he has to look forward to and what my family, including a husband and son who also happen to be guys, is currently enjoying while in my supreme company.

TO: Guy Friend

CC: Husband, Son

RE: Perimenopause

Dear Gentlemen,

Perimenopausal can be used to describe an otherwise fantastically vibrant, youthful, beautiful, dynamic, talented and energetic woman such as myself, who is nowhere near the onset of full blown out menopause. Rather, she is in ramping up to that irritating and inconvenient stage (for you and her) of life over which she will have little if no control.  Coincidently, she currently has little or no control over her current condition which, while a natural part of the circle of life, unequivocally stinks and is just plain not fair.

Symptoms include, but are by no means limited to: Crying jags; acting irrational and/or overly emotional; physically attacking the thermostat; recurring bouts of adult acne; mood swings; forgetting how to plan, cook or clean up after that thing you keep calling "dinner"; overloading the DVR with Hallmark movies; napping induced by restless, sleepless nights and finally, clearing everything off the floor of her closet, crawling in with a bottle of wine and declaring it her "Happy Place".

Note: this is not to be confused with the famous Bus Stop Mommy Hiding Places secured during summer break. This "Happy Place" is actually disclosed and family members are profoundly GLAD mommy is hiding. They don’t want to find that somewhat scary unpredictable perimenopausal woman. And while she doesn’t want to be found for fear she might accidentally maim one of them, she still has some things she wants them to know.

Thanks to modern technology, this can be done from the safety of her Happy Place via a small video camera and laptop with access to youtube. Immediately go to your computer and bookmark this page: http://www.youtube.com/user/BusStopMommies.

Part tutorial, part hormonal rant, this video is invaluable for you and those of your species in (1) understanding this inevitable phase of your dear wife’s/mother’s life while (2) saving your own.

This video has proved so indispensable, the AMA has named it this decade’s Most Valuable Teaching Tool for Women’s Health and recommended all medical schools, effective immediately, incorporate said video into their curriculum.

Go on. Watch the video. Share it with friends, coworkers and family. You might just save a life.

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  • Warren Jewell

    The BusStopMommy of said Mommies is that one domestic goddess whose little cult burns the goddess instead of the sacrifices.

    Love your take on life, lady. And, yeah, I’m one of those male males who is pleased not to have ‘the monthly’, ‘the nine-monthly’, ‘the Labor of labors’, the Mommy position (as Bill Cosby said of his young-family years: “I’ve seen the boss’s job and I don’t want it!”) and having had to hear those words of very faintest praise: “MO-o-oM!”. . .

    . . . and, now, as if your endurance and cheerful demeanor have not been tested enough, the hormonal self-assault called menopause (NOT pronounced MEAN-opause.)

    As they used to say in the all-mens’ clubs – “Better the sweet dears than us, eh? Another round and toast, gentlemen, that we have someplace to hide!”