Dear Catholic Exchange,
I am not sure where this question can be answered, but could you direct to the right place? My question is as follows:
I have been a widower for nine years; my wife died of cancer. I have met a very nice woman who is Catholic also and very faithful, and she wants me to live with her. I say the Church says we have to be married. I am 66 years old and she is 63. She lost her husband to cancer 2 years ago. She doesn’t think that God would mind and she doesn't think it is a mortal sin to live together and to live as husband and wife sexually. I had heard years ago that if you consummate a relationship (having sex), that in the eyes of God you are married and you really don't have to be married formally in the Church. What is the Church's teaching on this and could you give me some scriptural basis for it?
Thank you,
Bill Wood
Dear Mr. Wood,
Peace in Christ!
In most civilizations, the marriage ceremony is regarded as a religious rite or includes religious features. Under the Christian dispensation, marriage is a religious act of the very highest kind, namely, one of the seven sacraments. Furthermore, in Christian marriage, a covenant is formed between the spouses. In a covenant, each spouse gives his/her entire person to the other, without reservation.
Whether from the viewpoint of religion and morals or from that of the social welfare, marriage appears in its highest form in the teaching and practice of the Catholic Church. The fact that the union is indissoluble and monogamous promotes, in the highest degree, the welfare of parents and children, and stimulates in the whole community the practice of those qualities of self-restraint and altruism which are essential to physical, mental, moral and social well-being.
In addition, marriage is an ecclesial reality in that it reflects a state of life in the Church. Marriage introduces the spouses into an ecclesial order and creates rights and duties in the Church between the spouses and towards any children they might have. Since the sacramental marriage is also a liturgical act, it is appropriate that it should be celebrated in the public liturgy of the Church with the presence of a minister and witnesses. As a sacrament, marriage confers grace upon the couple and strengthens their union. By rejecting the sacrament of marriage and forming an “alternative” union, a couple is, in effect, rejecting God’s grace as well as His plan for the union of man and woman.
The Church actually teaches that sexual union between two unmarried persons, known as fornication, is gravely sinful. It is contrary to both the dignity of the persons and human sexuality. For further information, please see the Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 2353. If you do not have a Catechism, the full text is available online here. You may also see our FAITH FACT on Marriage in God’s Plan, which should provide a more thorough and scriptural answer to your question.
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